Tammi's World

A Spoonful......

Last Saturday, while talking to Bam she made me promise her one thing.

That I wouldn't allow my analytical side to take over right now.

I know it's a problem. Really I do. It's a control issue. You see - I haven't always been this way. And to those that have known me for a long while, this is still somewhat of a shock.

I was always a "fly by the seat of your pants" kinda gal. I traveled when and where I wanted. If I wanted to try something - I did. No worries. No issues.

Then I got married. To an asshole. I learned all about fear. Fear for my safety. Financial fear. Fear of failure. Wow. That was a bit of a shock to the old system.

Then when I got divorced I found some of that old free spirit coming back. On a whim I packed up everything I owned and moved to Florida. I needed to start over, put some serious space between me and the ex, plus my cousin and her family lived there. It was perfect. New start WITH a support group.

Then I made the mistake of fallin' for someone. And let me tell you it was hot and heavy. We adored each other. Looking back I think it was just we each were looking for someone the opposite of those that had hurt us so badly. Well, that and the sex was pretty flippin' awesome. But - I'm not going there with this post.

There was one problem. He wanted kids. I can't have them. Cancer took care of that when I was in my 20's. So one day he just disappeared. Gone. Poof. To say I freaked out is putting it mildly. I had a complete meltdown. I'd absolutely put myself - heart and soul - on the line. And he left. No explanation (at the time) nothing. Turns out it was because he just wanted kids too much. Well, whatever.

What I'm getting at was my reaction. Over time I started looking at everything. Reviewing every event, every word, every touch. Analyzing to see what I had done wrong. Why I drove him off. After a while I started applying that approach to every single thing in my life.

Everything was analyzed. Everything. I became paralyzed by that which had helped me cope.

Now - believe it or not - I'm better than I used to be. But still, I do tend to slip into that analysis mode when I'm scared or hurt.

Bam knows that. As do most of the people that know me so well. Saturday night she told me there was something I had to do. And trust me, when she TELLS you to do something, you do it. Period.

She told me to lift my hand, palm out. Then slowly turn it back towards me. Bring it back towards my face, all the while saying "Stop". Every time I start to analyze I have to do that. Let me tell you folks - my nose is getting sore!! Damn, I really do "go there" way to often!!!

And as silly as it sounds, it's working. I've done it a couple of times during conversations with my friends. It serves two purposes. One, makes me realize what I'm doing and two makes us laugh.

And after all the best medicine for ANYTHING is to laugh. Right?

Posted by Tammi at March 7, 2006 08:39 AM