October 03, 2007
I'm Sorry
Anyone that knows me personally knows that I use that phrase, "I'm Sorry", more than just about anything.
I'm just about the sorriest person I know.
But I'm so much better than I used to be. In fact, it's SO much better I really thought I had gotten past that.
I haven't. I left an abusive situation 12 years ago, and STILL apologize for EVERYTHING.
But I'll tell you a little secret. When I say that? I really am.
It's not that I'm so egotistical that I think I have the power to control events in others lives. No - when I tell you I'm sorry you're not sleeping well, I mean that I wish it were other wise. I feel bad for you. When I say I'm sorry you're sick what I mean to say is "Feel Better Soon".
I just say it wrong. Out of habit. Because you see, for 11 years everything that went wrong WAS my fault.
We didn't have money for rent, or utilities or food? It was my fault. Didn't matter that a certain someone paid the bar tab and then bought the house several rounds. Or that they spent 12 hours playing darts or pool for money. Or that I wasn't allowed to work hence couldn't contribute to the household finances. Nope. It was all my fault. And I had the broken ribs to prove it.
Storms come through and knock out the power? Yep, you guessed it. All my fault. I should have had a contingency plan. I should have been able to save 2 freezers full of meat, keep the kids calm and make sure the cows didn't get out. Easy. It was my responsibility and I didn't carry through.
And the examples go on and on. After a while you just assume the responsibility. You know it's your fault. You begin to try and actually control those events knowing that if you don't you'll pay.
So I was sorry a lot. More than I can ever say.
I would tell myself I was sorry for being so stupid that I got into that situation. I was sorry I was too scared to get OUT of that situation. I was sorry that my kids were afraid. I was sorry Mama Vi had to hear the beatings every night. I was sorry that my boss saw me fly through the air over a bar when he stopped in to see why my car was parked there every evening.
I was so very sorry.
My view of myself is probably the sorriest thing of all. I cannot tell you how many times I heard "You can't do anything because you can't do anything right". After a while, you really truly start to believe that. And that.....that is when you start to lose hope.
So if you know someone in an abusive relationship, or someone that HAS been in an abusive relationship, make sure you tell them the GOOD things they do. Encourage them. Don't allow them to make themselves the villain.
It's a small thing, praise. But ohhhh it can make all the difference in the world.
Posted by Tammi at October 3, 2007 08:49 AM | TrackBackOkay, this made me cry. I can't tell you how pissed I become when I think of this happening to ANYONE, man or woman. Nobody deserves to be abused like that. NObody.
Especially wonderful people like you, Tammi. I don't know how you got away; if you had help, if you did it yourself, how horrible it must have been along the way to the personal freedom for your very soul... but thank God you got away. Thank God.
{{{Hug}}}
Posted by: pam at October 3, 2007 10:20 AMYou rock, Tammi. Don't let anyone tell ya different.
Posted by: zonker at October 3, 2007 01:18 PMTammi,
I want to tell ya kid. You're a strong Woman for Blogging about that. It means me angry to my core to know that Men treat their Wife's like that. I too, have a family member who's Husband as like that, My Mom's sister. He's a total fucking asshole. He's now got a girlfriend and sooner or later he's divorcing her. She couldn't manage money good enough for him. I know right where you coming from. Men that treat their wives like that ought have the damn nuts cut off and be shot in the god-damned head.
I'm not married, but God damn it, When I see this sort crap, It pisses me off to high heaven.
Just letting you know...
-Chuck
Posted by: Chuck at October 3, 2007 02:16 PMIt really hurts my heart that this happened to you. I honestly does. and I hate to know that it is happening to some one else...
This is hard to comment on, hard to read, so thank you for putting this series up...
Posted by: armywifetoddlermom at October 3, 2007 08:49 PMThank y'all.
It is by far not the easiest thing I've done. And I cannot do this every day of the month, but it needs to be out there. There needs to be a face or a name with all this.
Because it hurts my heart too to know that this is happening to someone else........
Posted by: Tammi at October 3, 2007 09:07 PMTammi,
Growing up I heard that so much coming from my mother We had an abusive stepdad that put us through hell until my Mom made me so proud of her when we packed up and left the state one day after he went to work.
I still dont know how to react when I see PSA's for this.
I'm sorry too. I'm sorry those things happened to you. I'm sorry I didn't know you then and couldn't be there to help encourage you. I spend 2 and a half years being sorry myself. Not an easy situation to extract oneself from. I am SO proud of you that you got OUT.
I would have never suspected that the woman I met in DC had been through that kind of hell. The woman you present to the world is incredible and I think mirrors exactly who you are on the inside, even when you don't necessarily FEEL like that woman. You ARE incredible.
Thank you for posting your story.
Posted by: HomefrontSix at October 4, 2007 03:59 AMI meant to comment on this yesterday and then the munu comments got all dysfunctional-like: I know a lot of people who do that, including my mother, who say sorry a lot…in most cases, I either believe, hope, and know for a fact, it is not in any way related to the reasons you stated you did/do.
I was never much of an activist for anything, except for just being Plain Old Patriotic, in general, but I can not and will not abide, in my heart, or any capacity, a man raising his hand to a woman [and, in rarer, but just as legitimate circumstances, the reverse].
That about enrages me more than anything, and I have promised myself that if I'm — heaven forbid — in a relationship and the dooshbag I'm with decides he needs to smack me around, that not only won't I stand for it, but I will also be part of the growing number of headlines, beneath which we read about men losing their most prized protuberance.
And I am truly sorry that you were in a relationship with a dirtbag like that. It's a good thing you're friends with all these bloggers with guns and big muscles…and mullets.
I haven't been able to tackle this series of posts until recently. My ex was rarely physically abusive...twice early on in our marriage, and it scared him (once he knocked me out by throwing me to the floor). He didn't stay physical, but became very mentally and emotionally abusive...it ain't easy going back to those days. But it does need to be shared. I felt so alone back then. Thank you for sharing.
Posted by: Mrs. Who at October 8, 2007 09:57 PM