Tammi's World

Sometimes I Forget

I don't know why, but sometimes I'm just floored when I find out the impression that I give off. For some unknown reason I just think everyone can read my mind, know my motivation or understands my "history".

So when I am "misunderstood" I can actually get my little feelings hurt. And heaven forbid you think I've fibbed. Then? I get down right pissed off.

For years I was just Tammi. All the time, every where. I had no secrets, what I thought was there for all to see. My life was like a pot of beef stew. All mixed up together. Personal, professional, present, past. Everyone knew everything and everyone.

But I stopped that. I had to.

I hated the look of pity on peoples face when they'd see me with a black eye, or hobblin' because of another "fall" down the basement stairs.

I was limited on what jobs I could take - leading to what kind of money I could earn to take care of my family, because people knew my husband's family. They didn't want trouble. And trust me - it was up to me to earn the money. It was a lot of pressure for a 22 year old.

After my divorce - well, for those first few years anyway - I was just drunk all the time. Hell, you think I talk normally, you should hear me if I loaded. Yeah, kind of hard to have people respect you if they heard some of those stories.

So I stopped. I don't party with those I work with. I open up, but not very much. Just enough to be a "real person".

And I became driven. I've mentioned several times about the last words that MFer said to me. "You're ugly, fat and stupid. You'll never amount to anything or have anything. You will die alone." Now, I'm fully aware that those are the words of a drunken bastard and that I shouldn't care. And I don't. But I still hear them. In my head. A lot. They push me sometimes when I'm too tired to go on. Cause you need to know......Stupid? Never amount to anything? F*ck that.

And I have this fear. This fear of not being able to take care of myself. I'm not "handy". Not by any stretch of the imagination. I'm not a good gardener, so a garden is not something I want to have to depend on to feed myself. I don't sew. So I can't make my own clothes. I talk. It's what I do. And I have a pretty damned good mind for business. And I love to teach. I love to show someone how to make their lives better/easier/more enjoyable.

Add in the fact that I love to help. I want to do more for Soldier's Angels, Valour IT, Domestic Abuse Council.

The list goes on and on. For that? I need money. I need time. In my career, you get time and money by climbing that corporate ladder.

And honestly? I'm so damned shy and insecure that it's almost crippling. If you knew the self doubt I deal with. The times it just about kills me to go into a social situation. I hate them. I hate my reaction to them. But it is what it is, so I fake my way through.

But I guess I'm a pretty good faker. Because folks either don't guess, or forget. And then I'm surprised. I forget......you can't read my mind.

Posted by Tammi at May 17, 2007 06:22 AM | TrackBack