Tammi's World

First Impressions

This is one of those posts that has been bubblin' in my mind for a long time now. It's not sunny or happy. In fact it's rather dark and personal. But I need to get it out - so I'm giving you fair warning and the chance to just skip over it.

It's about first impressions, life choices and forgiveness. It's about changes and moving on. It's about me.

I'm guilty of saying "I understand" when someone shares something with me - a trial they are going through or an event that kicked their ass. But really? There's no way I can REALLY understand how they feel or what they are thinking. Mainly because I'm not in the exact same spot they are. There is no way to FEEL exactly what they feel.

It's like a piece of art. Two people can stand, side by side, and look at the same picture. And both take away something entirely different. It's a fact of nature. No two people process things the same way. Period.

Each of us travel a different path. Oh, it may be in the same direction, there may even be similar stops along the way. But each journey is unique.

Let me share just a bit of mine with you.

I've had a driving force my entire life. For as long as I can remember I have been driven by hatred. No, hatred is not a strong enough word. Loathing. Pure, undiluted, absolute loathing.

Now, you may think, if you know anything about me that the object of my loathing is my ex-husband. You'd be wrong. While he's not my favorite person, he's no where near important enough to warrant that type of feeling. If you REALLY know me you may think that loathing is directed at the man who violently stole my innocence. Then proceeded to rob me of my peace of mind, my security and eventually a chunk of my sanity. But you'd be wrong again.

No, the person I have despised for so long, that has been the cause of so many of my problems is me.

Building on that, I have to say I didn't have the best of childhoods. Oh - it wasn't horrible, but the loss of my father plus several other things kept it from being "ideal" But then again, not many people did have that "ideal". Still - add that with the self hatred and it's a different pile of baggage.

Many people have survived the tragedy of losing a child. But added to the other "life events", another block.

So many people have lived in abusive situations. All of them different. Physical, emotional, verbal or any combination of those. They skew your view even more. And it's not a quick fix. It took almost 8 years before I could be in the same room with a man that was yelling without flinching. 8 years.

Now - all of those things (as well as a few I'm not going to mention) make up Me. It formed the basis on how I make decisions and I how I react to situations.

I'm the first person to admit that for those first 10 years after my divorce I made some really stupid choices. First I drank. A lot. I did it to hide from the pain. To just make the voices in my mind stop telling me how horrible I am. And I still have to be careful. It's very easy to go back to that place, to hide when things get dark. Usually I'm good about not taking that trip, but sometimes......sometimes I just can't take it anymore.

Anyway - back to those first 10 years. I was driven by the loathing yet trying to prove those voices wrong. I am NOT a loser. I'm not. I'm NOT going to fail at everything. Yet, for a while there, it looked like those voices were right.

I took jobs for reasons no one could understand. Pay cuts of up to $30,000. I couldn't explain it, but at the time it seemed the only choice I had. I was on a mission. I was going to "be somebody" and I needed experience. NOW. So I took entry level positions and then worked til I dropped to move ahead.

I could go on and on detailing my choices, but suffice to say, to an outsider, nothing made sense. Hell, sometimes it didn't make sense to me. I made my life much harder than it needed to be.

I had a skewed vision of what/who I needed to be. It was all based on where I came from and what I experienced along the way.

That and punishing myself.

And that didn't change until the night Hurricane Charley hit. That was the night I realized I didn't want to die. That was huge, folks. I. Didn't. Want. To. Die. And even bigger than that? The fact that I actually WANTED to live. I actually wanted a LIFE.

After that priorities changed. No more is it about proving myself or gaining any one's approval. Money? It's a means to an end. I need it to clothe/house and feed myself. And to help others. My value as a person is not based on my salary. My value as a person is not based on my title. My value as a person is based on my words. My actions. THAT is what matters.

I've started being more responsible. It takes time to clean up some of the messes I made, but every day I see more progress. And I get pissed off at some of the crap I'm dealing with, but it's the price I pay. And I pay it gladly. Because it means I'm growing.

Now, unfortunately not everyone sees those changes in me. Admits that I'm not the f*cked up woman that I was before. I'm making good choices, difficult choices. I've grown up.

I think it all boils down to respect. Respecting one's self - which I do now. And respecting where we come from - which I work at daily. But those in our lives have to respect us too, and let go. Let go of that person who WAS and appreciate the person that IS. If not - then just flat out let that person go.

The real secret to life is constant change, continuous growth. Healthy relationships with family, friends, lovers are based on trust, growth, and most important respect. Recognizing that no one is perfect and forgiving them that. Not judging them. Realizing that first impressions are not always right, and that people really do change. Don't sell 'em short.

Posted by Tammi at April 2, 2007 05:00 AM | TrackBack