August 14, 2004

Fear

Well, the worst of today's mess looks to be over. There were several Big Ts spotted on the ground this afternoon but no damage reported. But then again, it's kinda hard to tell in the majority of Central Florida. You wouldn't know it by the news coverage, but it's not so good around here either (but that's another post all together).

I'm exhausted. Absolutely and completely. Last night after Charley had visited me, blown through Orlando and danced in Daytona I laid down to try and sleep. But I kept seeing the red line at the bottom of the tv screen announcing more storms and the possibility of some Big Ts. Finally they announced the all clear and I rolled over and slept.

I woke up just as tired as when I went to sleep. I couldn't figure out why. I refused to believe that pacing around the house wore me out that much. As I thought about it, I realized it was the fear. It kicked my ass.

The fear started when I realized we were going to be hit with a hurricane on the SW coast of Florida. It was taking aim at St. Pete and Tampa - places that are home to people I love. Oh, I figured we'd get some "backlash" but my concern was focused on them.

As Charley gained in strength so did my fear. Damn, some of them are so close to the water. Shit. I'm over here in the middle of the state, people are being evacuated - I Can't Get To Them. I Can't Stop It.

Then they announce that Charley is Cat. 4. Son Of A Bitch.

No! Now he's looking at making landfall in the Ft. Meyers area. That was my territory for a while. I have a lot of friends/customers in that area. Wait, doesn't Matt at Blackfive go down there? I wonder if he has family there! (yes, he does but he posts that all are alright).

I sat glued to the television (when I wasn't updating a post) watching Charley come across the state of Florida. And each area he hit/passed wasn't just a town to me. It was a collection of names and faces. People I know. People I love. My fear for them was stronger than I can put into written words.

Arcadia - my friend's mother works at the hospital that was hit. I still don't know if she's ok. I've been to that town several times. One of my favorite places for arts/crafts. I haven't seen anything much about that area today.

As it passes Sarasota/Bradenton - I heave a sigh of relief. My cousin, her husband and 3 children. OK. Good. Very good. My friend LeeAnn and her husband - everything is fine. Outstanding. My friends J & M with her 2 girls, home safe and sound. Yessss.

St. Pete - my cousin and her family. No problems at all. Everything just fine. Thank God.

In each area the faces of those I care about flash through my mind. I visualize where they live and try to calculate the possibilities. I check each name on the list as the storm continues on it's path. Safe. Unknown. Ok.

That was when I realized that the path of this storm was headed my way. Seriously. It was going to be here soon.

Now the fear was selfish. And believe me - I can honestly say I've never been that afriad. I was alone. And I don't mean just in this house. Most of the houses in my part of the subdivision were empty. When I looked out my front window it was like looking at a ghost town. We hadn't been told to evac. It's just most of these homes are rented out to tourists and they were g.o.n.e. Can't say that I blame them.

All of a sudden the wind started picking up. Lost power for a few minutes. Didn't panic, just sat in the dark listening to the sounds. Power came back on. That happened a few more times, and then it was just steady on for the rest of the evening.

I had the TV on. Everytime that buzzer went off, in 3 minute intervals, I would jump.

But the wind. The wind. It was so loud. I had asked someone earlier, how I would know if there was a tornado. I'm out in the middle of nowhere, there are no sirens or alarms. They said to listen for the sound of a freight train. So all day, as soon as the first storm band came through I'd mute the TV and listen for the train. During the height of the storm I remember thinking "shit, I won't hear if a tornado is coming, the wind is too loud." Then I realized I really didn't need to worry about that. It was doubtful that a Big T would do much more than that wind was trying to do at the time.

As the storm worsened around me, I sat on the kitchen floor with my pillow and blanket. I sat in the kitchen because I could see the sliding glass doors in the family room and the plate glass window in the living room. The wind sounded like it was tearing the roof apart a piece at a time. (luckily, there is no damage to the roof. I'm amazed) The wind at the back door sounded like someone was standing there, rattling the door furiously, trying to force their way in. At the front window, you could hear the give and take. I figured that window was going to blow out at any minute.

It lasted for an hour. One of the longest hours of my life. From the time the wind started to get really dangerous, until it settled back to a calmer roar, it was an hour.

I spent that time sitting on my kitchen floor, alone, crying like a baby. That was fear.

Today as the thunderstorms started rolling through again, and I hear of the tornados, I was afraid again. I kept getting up and walking to the sliding glass door. I kept hitting mute, listening for the train.

Watching storms has always been one of my true pleasures. When I was young, Daddy really worked with me to teach me to respect their power and admire their beauty. My Mom is very much afraid of storms. He didn't want me to suffer with that kind of fear. Today, for the first time I understood how Mama feels.

But I'm not going to let it win. I can say I have more respect than ever for the force and power of Mother Nature. And I can also say I didn't see one thing of beauty in yesterday's storms. I'm hoping by writing this all out the fear will begin to ease it's hold.

Posted by Tammi at August 14, 2004 06:45 PM | TrackBack
Comments

I am so glad everything is ok. All day yesterday and today I kept praying hoping everything was ok, especially after hearing about all the destruction.

It's funny how you meet people over the internet, people I have never meet and may never meet in person, but here I was worried about all these people.

All the news is about Punta Gorda, and I was wondering the same thing about why they weren't reporting about anything else.

Also once Charley left Florida nobody was reporting on what he was doing. It took 2 hours this morning to find any information and when we did all we found was that it was still a hurricane and going to hit along the SC coast. My MIL lives in Myrtle Beach and we were worried about what to expected. The eye ended up going straight up the SC coast, going right over top of MIL's condo. Some damage but not to bad.

Posted by: Machelle at August 14, 2004 08:30 PM

Machelle,

So glad to hear MIL is ok. I have family along the SC coast also, so it was still a bit tense in my family this morning.

Poor Mom. She talked with my Aunt this morning and the feeling was that the storm would pass quickly and she and the family were heading to the beach.

Mom put her foot down, told her she had prayed herself out yesterday and was too tired to fight that battle again today. Made my Aunt promise not to leave the house until they knew it was ok.

(I should probably mention that my Aunt is conservative Mennonite and doesn't have a TV. While her kids were watching a bit of what was going on, she really didn't have a true grasp of the situation. Well, until Mom got done with her!)

Posted by: Tammi at August 14, 2004 08:38 PM

Gees...I am glad that you are ok. That was crazy. I flew in really late last night and went to bed only to wake up and see the devestation.

Hon...I can totally relate to the being scared thing. A month ago, I had tornado number 2 land near my house and the sirens were going off.

At 3 AM in the morning. I didn't even know they were predicting tornadoes. Scared the hell out of me. Down stairs sitting in my chair with the spare TV as the sirens kept going on and on. I was scared sh*tless. don't blame you at all.

Posted by: kat-missouri at August 14, 2004 10:15 PM

Tammi,
There certainly is no shame in being scared of Mother Nature. She can grab whole houses and fling them into match sticks. Makes you really appreciate it when you come out the other side with your life, let alone all of your stuff.

Storms scare the hell out of me. Luckily, here in Sacramento storms are few and far between. We get the occasional flood years where a levee will break or the whole place will just plain fill up with water.

But it seems like poor old Florida, and the east coast in general, gets its butt kicked fairly regularly. Its just that these storms were X-large.

I hope that no one you care about is hurt. We are praying for you all from way over here on the left coast.

Stay safe, please. We care about you.

The other Machelle

Posted by: Bonfire7 at August 15, 2004 12:35 AM

Glad to hear you've avoided personal disaster. Thanks for the insightful writing. And congratulations on making the Command Post!

Posted by: Chap at August 15, 2004 01:38 AM

Tammi,
So happy you are safe. I know how scary Mother Nature can be, living in tornado alley as we do.
Hugs from John and I!

Posted by: Beth at August 15, 2004 06:09 AM

I do not really know what this websight is dedicated to as of yet. But, I was searching for info on Charley and I wanted to thank you for your updates.
I have a home in Fort Myers, and I was in OK, thank God, during the storm. So, it is hard to assess my situation from so far away.

Posted by: Jennifer at August 15, 2004 10:47 AM

I'm glad you are safe, and I hope and pray your friends mother is safe as well.

Posted by: Rachel Ann at August 15, 2004 02:00 PM