Tammi's World

Fear

Well, the worst of today's mess looks to be over. There were several Big Ts spotted on the ground this afternoon but no damage reported. But then again, it's kinda hard to tell in the majority of Central Florida. You wouldn't know it by the news coverage, but it's not so good around here either (but that's another post all together).

I'm exhausted. Absolutely and completely. Last night after Charley had visited me, blown through Orlando and danced in Daytona I laid down to try and sleep. But I kept seeing the red line at the bottom of the tv screen announcing more storms and the possibility of some Big Ts. Finally they announced the all clear and I rolled over and slept.

I woke up just as tired as when I went to sleep. I couldn't figure out why. I refused to believe that pacing around the house wore me out that much. As I thought about it, I realized it was the fear. It kicked my ass.

The fear started when I realized we were going to be hit with a hurricane on the SW coast of Florida. It was taking aim at St. Pete and Tampa - places that are home to people I love. Oh, I figured we'd get some "backlash" but my concern was focused on them.

As Charley gained in strength so did my fear. Damn, some of them are so close to the water. Shit. I'm over here in the middle of the state, people are being evacuated - I Can't Get To Them. I Can't Stop It.

Then they announce that Charley is Cat. 4. Son Of A Bitch.

No! Now he's looking at making landfall in the Ft. Meyers area. That was my territory for a while. I have a lot of friends/customers in that area. Wait, doesn't Matt at Blackfive go down there? I wonder if he has family there! (yes, he does but he posts that all are alright).

I sat glued to the television (when I wasn't updating a post) watching Charley come across the state of Florida. And each area he hit/passed wasn't just a town to me. It was a collection of names and faces. People I know. People I love. My fear for them was stronger than I can put into written words.

Arcadia - my friend's mother works at the hospital that was hit. I still don't know if she's ok. I've been to that town several times. One of my favorite places for arts/crafts. I haven't seen anything much about that area today.

As it passes Sarasota/Bradenton - I heave a sigh of relief. My cousin, her husband and 3 children. OK. Good. Very good. My friend LeeAnn and her husband - everything is fine. Outstanding. My friends J & M with her 2 girls, home safe and sound. Yessss.

St. Pete - my cousin and her family. No problems at all. Everything just fine. Thank God.

In each area the faces of those I care about flash through my mind. I visualize where they live and try to calculate the possibilities. I check each name on the list as the storm continues on it's path. Safe. Unknown. Ok.

That was when I realized that the path of this storm was headed my way. Seriously. It was going to be here soon.

Now the fear was selfish. And believe me - I can honestly say I've never been that afriad. I was alone. And I don't mean just in this house. Most of the houses in my part of the subdivision were empty. When I looked out my front window it was like looking at a ghost town. We hadn't been told to evac. It's just most of these homes are rented out to tourists and they were g.o.n.e. Can't say that I blame them.

All of a sudden the wind started picking up. Lost power for a few minutes. Didn't panic, just sat in the dark listening to the sounds. Power came back on. That happened a few more times, and then it was just steady on for the rest of the evening.

I had the TV on. Everytime that buzzer went off, in 3 minute intervals, I would jump.

But the wind. The wind. It was so loud. I had asked someone earlier, how I would know if there was a tornado. I'm out in the middle of nowhere, there are no sirens or alarms. They said to listen for the sound of a freight train. So all day, as soon as the first storm band came through I'd mute the TV and listen for the train. During the height of the storm I remember thinking "shit, I won't hear if a tornado is coming, the wind is too loud." Then I realized I really didn't need to worry about that. It was doubtful that a Big T would do much more than that wind was trying to do at the time.

As the storm worsened around me, I sat on the kitchen floor with my pillow and blanket. I sat in the kitchen because I could see the sliding glass doors in the family room and the plate glass window in the living room. The wind sounded like it was tearing the roof apart a piece at a time. (luckily, there is no damage to the roof. I'm amazed) The wind at the back door sounded like someone was standing there, rattling the door furiously, trying to force their way in. At the front window, you could hear the give and take. I figured that window was going to blow out at any minute.

It lasted for an hour. One of the longest hours of my life. From the time the wind started to get really dangerous, until it settled back to a calmer roar, it was an hour.

I spent that time sitting on my kitchen floor, alone, crying like a baby. That was fear.

Today as the thunderstorms started rolling through again, and I hear of the tornados, I was afraid again. I kept getting up and walking to the sliding glass door. I kept hitting mute, listening for the train.

Watching storms has always been one of my true pleasures. When I was young, Daddy really worked with me to teach me to respect their power and admire their beauty. My Mom is very much afraid of storms. He didn't want me to suffer with that kind of fear. Today, for the first time I understood how Mama feels.

But I'm not going to let it win. I can say I have more respect than ever for the force and power of Mother Nature. And I can also say I didn't see one thing of beauty in yesterday's storms. I'm hoping by writing this all out the fear will begin to ease it's hold.

Posted by Tammi at August 14, 2004 06:45 PM | TrackBack