May 10, 2006

In My Mind......

I’m going to warn you straight up – this is probably going to be a long, ramblin’ post about the crap in my head. I don’t expect any answers, and really I do know everything will fall into place – but I have to get it out of my head. I have to. And right now – this is my only option.

You see, I’m having some Internet issues. And when I have Internet issues I also have phone issues. I’d get it fixed but…….I’m on a count down now and it hardly seems worth it. PLUS – no phone, no help.

So – I’m going to try and write it out. TRY being the operative word. In order to spare you a long post I’ll just go ahead and put it into the extended entry. Enter at your own risk……

I’m starting to come to terms with moving back to Florida. I know that just sounds so weird. I mean I’ve been reading back through my GOOD-BYE posts and I know I love it there. I know I do. But you see, this wasn’t the plan. Not at all. I had said my good-bye and was fully prepared to be a tourist from here on out.

But as I sort through things I find myself excited. Excited to find that part of me again. That part that loves the bright clothes, that part that pushed the envelope a bit. I don’t know why I haven’t been able to let my hair down here – maybe it’s because of the job I had…..working for a conservative Christian company did kinda dampen my spirit. Plus – it’s been a chaotic year. Moving and moving now moving again. Getting a job, hoping it would be good, then losing it. Coming here to help my family and having that blow up in my face. Now having to leave a home I really love – and all of that with no plan.

So I’ve been purging and packing. Focusing on what I will enjoy about being back there. I’ve got a couple of job leads already, the plans for the move are made, and while I know it’ll take a year to get back on my feet, it’s all doable. Many people are very happy to see this happen.

Then yesterday there was a wrench thrown into the works. I had applied for a job up here that really caught my interest. It’s working in sales for a food company. They are launching a new brand and putting together a sales team in Rockford to make that happen. I had the first interview yesterday. As the sales manager described how they are setting this up, the expectations and goals I found my heart beating faster. I found myself wanting to be a part of that. KNOWING how hard that would be – new launches are always difficult – but also KNOWING how kickass it is when it all comes together.

That’s when it hit me. WTF am I doing? I don’t have a home as of June 1st. Oh, I have a couch in Florida – but that is putting so many people out. My Cuz and her family, although I know they are actually pretty excited about it. Everything I own will be in storage for at least a year. No kitchen of my own. No quiet dinners, no personal life. Not that they would ask me to give that up – it’s just the cost of admission.

Here? I have to keep packing and purging. I have to. Either way I’m out of here the first of June. How do I make that happen? What do I do until I can find someplace? Can I find someplace?

Why can’t anything in my life be easy? Clear? I want a flashing neon sign that says “This is what I’m gonna need for you to do…” pointing me in the right direction. Just once I DON’T want the burden of making all the decisions. Just once I want it to all be clear before me.

But it’s not. And it probably never will be. So – I’ll wait to hear what this food company thinks. I’ll keep packing and purging. I’ll keep saying good-bye. And I’ll keep wondering just how it’s all gonna work out.

Posted by Tammi at May 10, 2006 02:05 PM
Comments

Oh no - I am not putting all that I want to say into a comment... you'll have to check your email.

Posted by: Teresa at May 10, 2006 02:16 PM

clarity - something I've been searching for sometime myself. Nothing is ever easy, if it were, we'd be reading about how bored you are. Things will fall into place, they will. If you are meant to have the job out of Rockford, you will, and you will find someplace to live in the short amount of time you need. If not, you will start over in Florida. Either way, you are in my thoughts and prayers. If ever you need to vent, you know who to call! ;)

Posted by: oddybobo at May 10, 2006 02:22 PM

Welcome to the adult life. It's a pain, isn't it?

Posted by: Ogre at May 10, 2006 02:52 PM

i personally vote to get the fuck outta illinois. yeah, i know rockford is the home of cheap trick and all, but i lived there, honey.

my personal mantra was "life's too short not live it as a texan." now that i'm finally home, you are welcome to it. we'll leave a light on for you, and you can have my kitchen~it doesn't do a thing for me.

good luck.

Posted by: shoe at May 10, 2006 05:56 PM

You need to go where your heart leads... There are apartments to be had... Rockford is a big town. IF the job is right why leave? The question remains, What do *you* want to do???

Posted by: Richmond at May 10, 2006 07:11 PM

It ain't ever easy.

Believe in yourself.

You'll know it's right for you only when it's right for you.

Thoughts and Prayers

Posted by: Pam at May 10, 2006 08:01 PM

I agree with oddybobo - you'll end up where you are supposed to be. Just be honest with yourself about where you want to go.... And if you swing by Fort Walton, I'll buy you a shot of tequila!!!

Posted by: allicadem at May 10, 2006 11:33 PM

First my dear, like Ogre said, 'Welcome to the Adult World'. When I find the SOB that it made it look so cool and easy, I'm going to kick him in the nuts for false advertising.

Second, there is a clarification that's needed. Those of us down here that are looking forward to your coming back are excited because you would be coming back. This is not a tail between the legs thing and if that's a thought that you think any of us have, I'm going to kick your ass. And I can do it too. No one thinks differently about you today than we did when we met you and first realized how much we love having you in our lives. So take a deep breath, get a cup of coffee and stand up taller and straighter.

Third, like everyone else has chimed in with (because as you say, you're not looking for answers, just getting things off of your chest), all things will go as they are supposed to. Sucky of an answer and realization that that is, its true.

While we all love you and miss you, no one wants to see you unhappy. We miss the light in your eyes, the joy in your smile and the devil in your laugh. That's what we want to see and hear from you. There are no other expectations or strings to our love for you.

And like I said, if you think differently I WILL kick your butt. And while I may have to trip you first, I'm thinking I can get a good shot or two in first. You know I'd do it too.

Sending you big hugs! Your friend.

Posted by: Lee Ann at May 11, 2006 08:03 AM

Life is never suppose to be easy, it's how we grow and find ourselves, find our strengths and weaknesses, find what we are good at and what we are not so good at.

Things will fall into place, until then just keep telling yourself that things will eventually work out you just have to ride the wave knowing it knows where you are going.

Posted by: Quality Weenie at May 11, 2006 08:06 AM

Doing the *best* thing isn't always the easiest thing.

Jobs will come and go. Best to land in a place where you're happy THEN start the search.

You're good at what you do. Be patient. The floodgates WILL open.

In the meantime, I will be sending many-a good thought your way.

Posted by: TJ at May 11, 2006 09:57 AM