Tammi's World

Paranoid

I woke up at 3:30 this morning. My first thoughts?

Holy Shit - I leave tomorrow.

Holy Shit - I'm bringing Mama home with me.

Holy Shit - I've got to finish getting the house ready.

Holy Shit - I have to take the car in for a check up.

Holy Shit - I have to be in Tampa all day today for work.

Holy Shit!

The panic hits full force. You'd think that by the time you reach my age, you'd have learned all those lessons about procrastination. It's never a pretty picture. Now, in my defense, it's not all procrastinating. I had to work. A lot. I had to actually get ahead so I can leave without remorse. But Still.........

I had this job once. I hated it. The only good thing that came out of it was my friendship with Lee Ann. There were many mean and evil people there that would do anything to make themselves look good.

I was going to Indiana to see my family over Thanksgiving. Much like now. I had explained this when they hired me in April of that year. No problem.

It was supposedly a team atmosphere. Yeah Right. When I saw others take vacation they would simply offload work to the other Account Managers, everyone pitched in.

Until my vacation approached.

I was told I had to have everything done the Friday before I left. 2 weeks worth of work done ahead. And still get everything else done. I stayed until Midnight/1:00am every night for a week. Worked Saturdays and Sundays to get it all done. The night before my flight I was there until 4:00am. Finally - got it all done, and done right.

You know what happened? While I was gone, as is the nature with that line of work, there were issues. And every time one of those issues arose, they tried to blame it on me. Thankfully, Lee Ann had my back. She knew what I had done, and that the errors were not on that end. It was out in the field. They would have happened if I were there or not. She took care of things, and kept her ears opened for me.

When I got back, I got called into the office of our VP and read the riot act. I was speechless. I couldn't even defend myself, as I couldn't believe it was happening. Not one word about getting it all done ahead of time. Not one positive word spoken at all. Just accusations and slams. Oh, you can bet once I gathered my thoughts I defended myself. It just took an hour (and a few cigarettes while pacing the parking garage). I turned in my notice 2 weeks later. F*ck 'em.

But I learned my lesson. Well, actually I've adjusted my trust level. I have none now. I'm paranoid of what will happen the few days I'm gone this time. I've worked every day for 2 weeks. I'm working today. I'm taking tomorrow and Wednesday off. I'm taking Saturday through Tuesday of next week off. But I'm coming back and working 2 weeks straight again to make up for it. I've hit all my stores at least 3x this month - we're only required to hit them 2x. I've conducted training classes every weekend. I've introduced myself to my new accounts. I've filed all my paperwork.

But I'm still worried. I'm still a bit afraid of what will be said when I get back. In other words, I'm flippin' paranoid. I HATE THAT!!!!!

I've told all my accounts that I'll be out of town. They all have my cell number - they know they can call for any reason. They are all happy for me that I'm getting some family time. The people I work the closest with all know I'm leaving. They are all excited for me to get some time away. But still, this fear just won't leave me.

Isn't it funny how events change us? Even the smallest of things. I never used to worry about this sort of thing. I'm good at my job. I know it. I get it done. I'm successful. Yet because one asshole decides to tear me apart, I walk around wishing I had eyes in the back of my head so that I can see the knife as it approaches my back.

Hmmmm......I don't like it.

Posted by Tammi at November 22, 2004 09:07 AM