Tammi's World

For Amy

I've been haunted by the article I read earlier today at John, Pam and Lex's sites. = I find myself going back several times to re-read what was said. I've started several posts on this, and each one gets deleted. I told a friend that I didn't know if I had it in me to write on this subject - it's more personal than I ever discuss.

But I think I have to.

I'm passionate about what I believe in. Very passionate. There aren't a lot of gray areas with me. Abortion is one of those.

Now - I have to say that I DO NOT CONDONE abortion at all. But, I also do not want my government telling me what I can do with my body. I believe that abortion is wrong wrong wrong, but it is an individuals choice. I believe in education on the options and responsibility. I'll do my damnedest to talk you out of one, to the point I've actually offered to adopt the child. But ultimately it wasn't my choice.

I was adopted, as I've mentioned before. Every day I thank the good Lord above that my birth mother chose to give me to a family that wanted me, could take care of me, would cherish me. Thank You Charlotte - where ever you are. The gift of life is by far the greatest that I have ever received and I cherish it, I really do.

I've also always wanted children. Growing up, I wanted to be a Mommy. (of course a business woman mommy, but still a mommy.) When Mom would ask me why I wanted it so badly I'd tell her it was because I wanted someone to love me as much as I loved her. Well, that's part of it. The rest is having the opportunity to love, to cherish, to teach and watch develop this wonderful being. To see their smiles, dry their tears, celebrate their victories and smite their foes. I wanted to be a part of that. I needed it.

When I was 21 I decided I was ready to be a mother. Married? No, but in my infinite wisdom I figured I didn't need a man to be a mom. (well, except to get started.) So I got pregnant. I was so happy. So complete - for the first time in my life, there was a being that I felt CONNECTED to. I found out she was a little girl. I named her Amy (rather ironic in this instance). In my minds eye I knew she would be musical. Both her daddy and I were, and I couldn't imagine that would miss her. I knew she'd be tall, she'd be strong. I dreamed of our life together...helping to make her dreams come true. Working together for a future. Tea parties, dress up, first day of school, her wedding day. In those brief months, I dreamed of all that.

Then, one horrible night, I miscarried. It all but destroyed me. 20 years later I still dream of her, still think of her on my due date, still MISS her. That was the only chance I had to have a child.

So, please help me understand how this BEING can destroy 2 lives and still look at herself in the mirror? How can she make that decision based on the reasoning she gave? How can she be a good mother for that little boy? What she's demonstrated so far is selfishness and immaturity.

How can she hold that little boy and not think of those other two angels? How can she watch him take his first steps and not see them? How will she explain her choice to him? And you know the day will come when it will come out.

I agree it was her choice. But that doesn't mean that I can't rail against it. That I can't stand up and say NO. I don't have to agree. I don't have to like it. I don't.

Posted by Tammi at July 19, 2004 07:48 PM