My heart hurts today. Really, it does.
I woke up with tears in my eyes. I had no idea why - I just did. I checked the pillow and sure enough I'd been crying in my sleep.
That doesn't happen very often. Mainly because I really don't think I dream much at all. But also - I love mornings. Seriously. So even if I have to do things I don't want to, I enjoy the beginning of the day.
But not today. Like I said - my heart hurt.
I get to work and it's just another day. Nothing out of the norm, same old same. Then I started working on a project. Looking at some data, a pattern emerged. Something was wrong. Something was missing. I went outside to smoke a cigarette and then it hit me. We are going to close a plant.
Damn. Damn damn damn.
I may have only been in this job for 9 months but I've made some very good friends in that plant.
And I'm sure it's gonna happen. I'd bet my next year's pay on it. Been there before, know the pattern. It's goin' down. I'm positive.
Damn damn damn.
Now - I can't say anything. Mainly because I don't officially "know". Plus, we do everything top secret so no one will know until it's a done deal. But that doesn't stop me from hurting for them. Plus - I'll miss them. Some of the brightest parts of my day come from my conversations with them and the customers involved.
Damn damn damn.
Right after I realize that little tidbit I get a call from Army Wife. She wanted to let me know she was home and tell me abit about her trip. We started talking about Walter Reed and my heart just got heavier. I know this sounds so wussy, but it was more than I could take at that moment. I guess I'm just not as strong as I thought I was. Too damned soft hearted. I knew when I had tears in my eyes over what she was sharing I had to get off the phone.
Damn. Damn damn damn.
Then I get home and start popping around the blogsphere. I head over to Techography and read this post of possible lost children and a drifter. Again - nothing conclusive but still - scary stuff. Stuff that makes your heart hurt.
Damn. Damn damn damn.
I don't know how my subconcious knew, but some how, it did. I got my crying started last night. I woke up already knowing today was not going to be a good day. And I was right. It happens that way more than I like. I'd like, just once, to be wrong about this.
I'm afraid to answer the phone. I don't want to look at my emails. I just don't think I can take anymore "bad stuff" today.
Damn. Damn damn damn.
Posted by Tammi at January 17, 2006 06:34 PMI think you're very strong. This just caught you off snd then it snow balled. Please, whatever you do, don't visit my site. Maybe I'll send you a link later to a joke site.
hey, I hear thwe kraft corp is opening a factory near Jerusalem. Yep they're going to call it Cheeses of Nazareth. Hope you're at least smiling!
Posted by: Michele at January 17, 2006 06:50 PMHang in there Tam.
I'm always around if you need me ^^
Unlike some folks I know *cough cough* I haven't changed my cell phone number ;)
As for the boys. We'll see. Going to be a long week. Spoke to the County here, identified myself and we'll go from there.
Posted by: BloodSpite at January 17, 2006 07:21 PMDon't worry, all will be well because you are involved. I know you and your strength, you will do your crying when you know you don't have to hide it, and be strong when you think you have to.
I too am always here and you have my home number too. Even if you don't want to talk :)
Posted by: ktreva at January 17, 2006 08:51 PMI had a similar experience taking Julie to the doctor that Monday. Driving to her appointment should have been just another ordinary fight of 2pm traffic. But I couldn't stop crying. Not sobbing - just tears rolling down my face. She was too out of it to notice. I can picture the scene - the service drive of Southfield freeway, southbound, waiting for a light, next to a DFCU branch.
The 27th is coming.
I don't have the strength to write much this year.
I've been packing and finding reminders and returning things to her mom. Each one causes an emotional outburst from her.
---
I'm sorry to hear you had a bad day.
...
Those people will get other jobs.
It's all part of a cycle, ya know?
**Hands Tammi a Kleenex and a piece of her heart.**
Posted by: talulazephyr at January 17, 2006 11:54 PMIt sucks. I've so been there with the work situation. You know, most everyone landed on their feet. One guy I know, he even decided 'screw it' and opened a diner! He was an aerospace engineer and just always wanted to own a greasy spoon. It pushed him to do what he really wanted to do.
Posted by: Bou at January 18, 2006 05:41 AMThere's always a silver lining -- but sometimes it's so hard to see through the tears.
Posted by: Ogre at January 18, 2006 06:10 AMHopefully today will be a much better day...
Posted by: Richmond at January 18, 2006 06:54 AMThat's rough. (insert overly used cheering up cliche' here)
I hope you feel better.
Posted by: Contagion at January 18, 2006 07:33 AMWell, WRAMC, it's always tough, however...it's not like what you might imagine.
Sure, the stories can be tough to take, but I have yet to hear of someone giving up or being very bitter about their situation. Lord knows, they earned the right to bitch. But they don't. They might complain about the food or the lack of Hooters girls traipsing through the place (who doesn't?), but they don't complain much.
If anything, I usually come away energized to do more...and definitely less likely to complain about my own problems which seem so tiny in comparison.
Posted by: Blackfive at January 18, 2006 03:33 PM