Tammi's World

Spring Cleaning

You know you hate it. We all do.....and we all HAVE to do it. Most people I know put it off until there is no choice. It's either at the house, those pesky closets, knicks and cranys, or the garage...all that junk. But sometime we all have to face it.

And it's not just the obvious kinda cleaning. Nope this post is about the emotional kind. And I AM talking about cleaning. Not sorting or shifting - cleaning. Pulling out the things you've stashed away - anger, self doubt, hurt feelings - and looking at each and every one of them. Then doing something with all that stuff. You either accept it, throw it away or store it right back in that "spot" but you touch it , feel it and face it. One way or another.

I don' know about y'all but I procrastinate worse on that then I do the physical stuff. I ignore the crap, push it aside or so deep down into my soul that no one notices. Until it's too late. Then...I have no choice. It's cleaning time. It doesn't happen for me very often. Believe it or not, the last time that it was this bad for me was right after the move to Florida. (hmmmm cross country moves don't seem to work so well for me) By the time I finally raised my hand and said ENOUGH I realized I was just expecting too much from myself. Nasty divorce, move, leaving everyone and everything I'd ever known - even though it was something I really wanted to do - tough. All very tough. And it wasn't something that was corrected in short order. No - it took some time and a whole lotta effort. Just like anything in life that is worthwhile - I had to work at it.

It's one of the most painful thing to do. My biggest thing is self doubt. I have a horrible lack of self confidence. Oh, not professionally - personally. It's one reason why I really don't make friends all that easily in person. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being rejected. I'm afraid of not measuring up. I'm afraid of being too different. Of being too, too, too Tammi.

And I do try to deal with that issue everyday. Mostly because I have to. I have to force myself to interact outside of work. That's how one finds balance. Joy. I want those things. So.....I push myself. But oh how the little things hurt. And it's those hurts that I put in those secret parts of myself. No one sees. No one knows. Oh - I'll share a bit now and again - but I'm a very emotional person. If I feel I feel VERY deeply. And that can be frightening to face. Hell - it scares me to death sometimes and I deal with it every day. No.....it's not a part of me that I let out very often.

We all get where we're going on different tracks. So basically no one can really understand. In other words - you have to fix it yourself. There's no bandaid, there's no miracle cure. It's hard work and want. Plan and simple want.

And who doesn't want to get past the crap? I was thinking last week I lost the joy. That joy that helps me see that silly silver lining. That joy that helps me laugh when there really isn't too much to laugh about. And then I had my wonderful weekend. And it helped. It helped to clear my thinking a bit. It put things back more into focus. But it also made me realize that I have more work to do.

So tell me.....how do YOU work through that emotional spring cleaning? Any suggestions?

Posted by Tammi at August 3, 2005 06:00 AM