Tammi's World

The Long Good-Bye IV

Part I, II, and III

It's funny, really. I talk about how stuffy and uptight I was when I came down here. All corporate and focused and such. Heh. Pretty far from where I am now.

The first thing that happened is I learned how to make friends. Sounds kinda silly, doesn't it. But honestly - that's been a skill (and it is a skill) I had somehow lost during my marriage. My husband only liked his friends. His people. Anyone that I liked or enjoyed were just 'not good people'. (probably because they had never done time, and actually had functioning brains, but that's a whole 'nother story)

I've always been kind of shy. I've always struggled with "small talk". I don't ask a lot of questions when I meet people, I feel that's kinda nosey. I just figure if you want to share something you will. Asking puts you into an awkward position of answering or telling me it's none of my business.

So here I was - 1741 miles from my family and what friends I had. Oh, a couple of my cousins are both here, but that's different. I love my family, but remember - they are kinda religious so not a place I can let my hair down and have a bit of fun. So....making friends was gonna be important.

I did. A few. A few boaters - who gave me the gift of joy. The first few times I was on the boat I enjoyed the hell out of it, but still stayed a bit reserved. After time, and realizing I could just be me.....I started to cut loose. There were songs belted out over a quiet bay....echoing in the night. Some serious love songs or hymns (probably not appropriate when one is drunk, but there you have it). There was the "fake orgasim" contest (When Harry Met Sally knockoff) that I won.

Heh. That was kinda funny.

There were four boats out for a sunset sail. We were all drifting together, talking, sharing drinks and just having a good time. Someone was talking about sex - there's a surprise. One thing led to another and the subject of "faking it" came up. Now....I hadn't dated much, and they all knew it. To them I was a work alcoholic that LOVED to boat. Not much in the "relationship" world. So....when out of the blue I pipe up with - oh, hell, y'all don't know anything about that stuff. I can fake it better than anyone here" they got a good laugh. Someone called me on it. So......I showed them. ;-) As the last Ahhh echo'd across the bay - there was not another sound. Finally one of the guys say's - "where the hell did you learn to do that?!?" My response...."married for 11 years to an alcoholic egomaniac. 'nuff said."

Heh - guess you had to be there....but it was pretty funny. Hell - they STILL talk about it - 8 years later.

But that was a huge step for me, as silly as that sounds. It was the first I really let my guard down. The first I let anyone see this twisted sense of humor I have. The first time in a very, very long time.

And I know you are probably sick and tired of hearing about clothes and such. But that is the quickest way to describe the whole change over. I remember, I had a date......it was a first date and it was MY FIRST DATE so it was kinda important. I wanted a denim dress. I thought that would be perfect. Nice, but not too dressy. So I went on the hunt. I ended up with this. Now...if I were in the same position - it would be more like this. Bit of a difference, don't ya think?

Anyway - I digress......making friends was not an easy thing for me. One thing that EVERYONE got onto me about was "I'm Sorry". I. Said. It. All. The. Time.

And that sad thing was I meant it. How arrogant is that? To think that I actually had that much of an impact on other's. Now....I do still apologize. If you tell me you are sick, I'll say I'm sorry. Meaning I'm so sorry to hear that, wish it weren't so. But back then......I was sorry because I felt I should have stopped it or possibly caused it.

I was one sorry lady. It took years to get over that. Years. Many miles of sand under my feet. Many storms blowing over me as I sat on the shores of the Gulf of Mexico. But I've finally realized I am only responsible for myself. My life. Oh, I screw up, and when I do - you got it - I'm sorry. But I don't beat myself up anymore when something goes wrong.

And believe it or not all of this does go into the skill of making friends. If you are "all about me" you can't see beyond yourself, your own pain, to reach out to anyone else. You bring no value to the relationship - and hence you won't make friends. If you are not able to know or be who you are, again - you won't make real friends. When you are so worried about hiding parts of yourself, you never relax your guard and then when you slip.....people are surprised. They say "you've changed". That may not always be a good thing. It's important to be WHO YOU ARE...Be Yourself - if people like it, great. If not....then it just wasn't a friendship that was meant to be.

But most importantly I've reinforced my one belief in man-kind. It's all about quality, not quantity. I'll take a few true blue friends over a crowd of people that don't know me any day of the year.

Posted by Tammi at April 7, 2005 06:23 AM