March 02, 2008

It's a Cover-Up!!!

I'm so confused. Really. I'm not sure what General Mills is up to, but they are not being honest with the public.

Let's see if I can explain.

I was over at Homefront Six's site and see this obit for the Pillsbury Dough Boy.

Folks, I don't know how to tell you this but he's been dead since 2000. I know this because.......I killed him.

Yes, I know that probably comes as a shock to many of you, but it's true. He got in my way, interfered with my vision, my mission. So.....he had to be eliminated.

It all started in the Spring of the new Millenium. I was working for a certain Orange Juice company calling on the World's Largest Retailer, in charge of retail execution. (rather ironic that the term "execution" was used to describe my job) Every where I went, in that section of the store I saw that damned Dough Boy.

Taking all the free space. In the bunkers and doors. He was everywhere.

It was obvious that *HE* was the go-to guy for that buyer. Well, that wasn't going to work for me. Being as competitive as I am I knew in order to grow our business *I* needed to be the go-to guy (gal). I needed to get that damned DB out of my way.

So....I focused. I needed to motivate my team to dethrone this busybody.

I made up signs. Red circles with his face in the middle and a line drawn through. I created mats to walk on and wipe your feet with his picture on it. I went so far as to have some models made of him hanging from a rope to put throughout my meetings.

My goal? Kill the Dough Boy.

I had one of the models hanging in my office as a constant reminder of what needed to be done.

It was a covert operation, and I won't go into the details, mainly because I don't think the statute of limitations has run out at this point.

But it was highly successful.

Little by little, you saw less and less of his presence. As you'd walk through the chilled department in those stores, you saw more and more of MY juice. In the bunkers. In the cooler doors. Hell, at one point I made up a display for Mother's Day that featured my juice, eggs, bacon, sausage and a generic version of the bastard's products.

That was the final nail in the coffin. You see, that display was SO successful I completely debunked him.

By the end of that year WE were officially the Captains. WE were the go-to guys. The Dough Boy's reign was over.

We celebrated with a wake. It was a pretty damned good party, let me tell you.

So you see......this MUST be some kind of cover-up. That bastard has been dead for almost a decade now.

There's a very good reason why my nickname is the Road Warrior.

Posted by Tammi at March 2, 2008 07:03 AM | TrackBack
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