Tammi's World

Musical Memories......

I've mentioned a few times that music is really tied to "events" in my life. It seems that for just about every major incident there is either a CD or song that just drops me right back into that time.

Back in 2000, there was a CD that was pretty hot. It was Matchbox 20's Mad Season. I really loved that CD so I had to buy it. Turns out, it is tied to a time that was pretty tough for me.

You see, in the 13 years since my divorce, I haven't really dated much. And what few relationships I had were kinda.....intense. Well in the summer of 2000 I met a guy that was, well, what Mama Vi would call a keeper. We started out as friends, but that relationship went from 0-100 in no time flat.

In fact, I even introduced him to my friends and family. THAT is not something that happens often. For whatever reason, I just tend to keep all that separate. Maybe it's cause I think it'll be easier when it ends, if no one knew them.

Anyway....M and I were really great together. But...over time the very things that drew us together were the things that pushed us apart.

He LOVED that I didn't have a normal career. He really enjoyed hearing about my job and actually helping me out. Over time, the fact that my job took so much time started to piss him off.

And my independence. He loved the fact that I didn't need him to do everything for me. The fact that I could support myself, make my own decisions. But after a while, from what he's said since, he didn't feel important to me.

Anyway, one weekend we were going to visit some friends. I could hardly wait, as I knew they would just love him, and he would enjoy the hell out of them. As we settled in the truck for the drive to Orlando I asked him if I could play my new CD. Mad Season. There was one song on there that I just really loved.

Of course he said yes. As we work our way to the track I was waiting for, I just had this feeling. M was different. Huh. I asked him what was wrong and he teased me about my "instincts" being off because it was so cold out. (60 degrees in Florida is an arctic snap...)

Finally - my song came on. Now, I was so comfortable with him, it just seemed natural for me to sing along. Plus, we used to spend a lot of time at my place, him playin' the guitar and me singing. There aren't a lot of folks I'm that comfortable around anymore, so that was just one more thing that made us "special".

Anyway - I'm singing along to my new favorite song. The song? If Your Gone. Huh. If I only knew...

Well, there's a line in there that made him just crack up. It's near the end of the song..

I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - do I talk too much
I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing

Damn, did we laugh about that.

Anyway.....when we got back from that trip we made plans for the following weekend. It was Thanksgiving. He had to help a friend move, so I told him for them both to pop over afterwards and I'd have dinner all ready to go.

It was a plan.

Thanksgiving comes and nothing. No call, no one showed. The next day? Still nothing....Not a word the entire weekend.

I left a few messages, sent a few emails, but heard nothing back.

Remember my "instinct"? Yeah....well it seems that the friend he was moving was leaving her husband to move in with M. Guess my instinct wasn't so far off after all, was it?

Anyway - I couldn't listen to that CD, especially that song for years. Here's the weird part....one day, while driving around town, that song came on. Before I could change the channel my cell phone rang. It was M. I kid you not.

Now, by that time I'd worked through most of my issues, so we decided to meet up for a drink after work. We had been friends, afterall, and good friends are hard to come by.

So as we sat and talked I realized, it had all worked out the way it was supposed to. He got what he thought he wanted. Someone who NEEDED him to make all the decisions. Someone he could TAKE CARE OF. Now that he had it? Yeah, it wasn't what he thought it would be.

Me? I realized I still missed him. But what I missed were our talks. We had great conversations. And I missed his tenderness. The way he'd reach out and touch my hair as we sat on the couch, him watchin' a movie and me reading. I missed falling asleep to the sound of his breathing (aka snoring) and that feeling that of knowing I was SAFE. But I didn't miss HIM. Not like that anymore.

Funny how all that came flooding back as I made that drive back and forth to Mama Vi's. I had finally replaced that CD, and yesterday was the first that I pulled it out to listen to.

That is a part of the soundtrack of my life. And I'm so glad I'm back to a point that I can enjoy it again.

Posted by Tammi at November 18, 2007 12:17 PM | TrackBack