August 30, 2007

Never Again

Oh man. Not a week I really want to repeat anytime soon. But I've learned a few pretty good lessons along the way. I learned that Daddy was right. There is NOTHING as horrible as, when you walk away, thinking "I wonder if, or I wish I had". And I also learned that forgiveness comes when you least expect it.

You see, my Godfather was a good man. A self made man. A man with very high expectations. And I've had to learn to live with the fact that, for whatever reason, I have been a disappointment to him.

Tonite, at the viewing, as I stood saying my final good bye, all I could whisper was "I'm sorry." Regrets. Oh Lord they kick your ass.

And I have to be honest. First, I try to live my life so I don't have the regrets. It's not there yet, but I do keep trying. And I'm not used to disappointing people. I try not to make promises I can't keep. I don't say things I don't mean, and I don't hold back. But sometimes, no matter what, when or's just inevitable.

And these feelings....they're not something I'm used to. I haven't known how to deal with them at all.

But the secret Uncle Larry kept, for all these years, was that his bark was much worse than his bite. And he knew his expectations were high. Too high. He did that to make us girls (there were 4 of us) strive for more. For better. It was his way. Maybe not the best way, but it was HIS way.

I learned that tonite.

And as I drove home from the chapel, through my old neighborhood, past the high school and church I attended, I was finally able to remember the good times. The laughter. The pranks. FINALLY the "right" memories are flooding back.

But I don't EVER want to feel like this again.

Posted by Tammi at August 30, 2007 05:38 PM | TrackBack

I'm so sorry, sweetie. {{{Hugs}}} I really hope next week treats you better!

Posted by: pam at August 30, 2007 07:29 PM

sorry tammi. i'm glad the good stuff came flooding back but i'm sorry for your loss. take care.

Posted by: shoe at August 31, 2007 05:51 AM

I'm sorry to hear about your uncle's passing, Tammi. Hang on to the good memories!

Posted by: zonker at August 31, 2007 07:06 AM

I'm sorry that felt those feelings. Regret can outweigh guilt in the sucker punch to the gut department, no doubts.

But I'm glad that they were able to step aside for you to feel and recall the good times spent together and hopefully those memories, the really important ones, will stay in the forefront of your recollection.

{{hugs}} to you, Momma Vi and Dee. Love you so very much!

Posted by: Lee Ann at August 31, 2007 07:41 AM

perception is a funny friend.

I am glad you feel some release

Posted by: armywifetoddlermom at August 31, 2007 10:08 AM

{{hugs}} to you - rest up. All will be well.

Posted by: Richmond at August 31, 2007 01:37 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss. {{Big Hug}}

Your Uncle Larry was most likely more proud of you than you ever would've thought, or he ever would've let on. It's like that with those of the older generation: they don't want us "youngsters" to get swelled heads.

May the Peace of the Lord be with you always, my friend. +

Posted by: Wes at September 1, 2007 01:24 AM
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