Tammi's World

Never Again

Oh man. Not a week I really want to repeat anytime soon. But I've learned a few pretty good lessons along the way. I learned that Daddy was right. There is NOTHING as horrible as, when you walk away, thinking "I wonder if, or I wish I had". And I also learned that forgiveness comes when you least expect it.

You see, my Godfather was a good man. A self made man. A man with very high expectations. And I've had to learn to live with the fact that, for whatever reason, I have been a disappointment to him.

Tonite, at the viewing, as I stood saying my final good bye, all I could whisper was "I'm sorry." Regrets. Oh Lord they kick your ass.

And I have to be honest. First, I try to live my life so I don't have the regrets. It's not there yet, but I do keep trying. And I'm not used to disappointing people. I try not to make promises I can't keep. I don't say things I don't mean, and I don't hold back. But sometimes, no matter what, when or how...it's just inevitable.

And these feelings....they're not something I'm used to. I haven't known how to deal with them at all.

But the secret Uncle Larry kept, for all these years, was that his bark was much worse than his bite. And he knew his expectations were high. Too high. He did that to make us girls (there were 4 of us) strive for more. For better. It was his way. Maybe not the best way, but it was HIS way.

I learned that tonite.

And as I drove home from the chapel, through my old neighborhood, past the high school and church I attended, I was finally able to remember the good times. The laughter. The pranks. FINALLY the "right" memories are flooding back.

But I don't EVER want to feel like this again.

Posted by Tammi at August 30, 2007 05:38 PM | TrackBack