June 18, 2007
It Ain't Easy
Not having a TV right now, and the house bein' so very quiet I've had some serious thinking time.
And yesterday morning, as the sun was just peaking over the horizon I realized something.
To some of you, my still evident grief for my father is probably a bit "melodramatic". And maybe it is. But being ME I try to look beyond the obvious (usually because I miss the obvious)
It's deeper than just missing my father. It goes all the way into my soul. My ability to care. Or, let's just say it....to love.
You see, I don't love easily. Not at all. I care. Deeply, but that's waaayyy different than loving.
I don't remember EVER not loving Daddy. Mama? That was a different matter. It wasn't until I was an adult, out on my own, that she and I bonded. Oh, I cared about her, I respected her. But I wouldn't say I LOVED her. That came later.
And romantically I didn't think I'd ever fall in love. I wanted to. What teenage girl doesn't. When I hit my 20's, I didn't marry for love. That wasn't even something that was mentioned. I married because it was the thing to do.
In fact, I can count on one hand, with fingers left over, how many times I've said those three words.
As for my friends......if I've said I love you. Trust me. I do. It means over time, you've become an important part of me. I can't imagine not talking with you, figuring out ways to spend time together. Realizing if I really needed you, you'd be there. And knowing that YOU know if you need me, I'm here. That type of love is easier for me. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm so careful about those I even call friends.
So you see, it's not melodrama. It's not just grief. It's when I do love, I love with everything I have. That doesn't go away. That doesn't change. And because of that, it doesn't come easy.
Posted by Tammi at June 18, 2007 09:03 AM | TrackBack