April 30, 2007

Warning - Personal Rant

**Updated Tuesday, May 1: I have never taken down a post in the three years that I've been blogging. I will not start now. I'm wishing I hadn't posted this after a night of thinking about it. However, I did, so it stays. I did, however, move the meat of it below the fold.

I'm breaking my own rule. Usually if I'm really upset about a personal issue I keep it to myself. And, while I am going to blog about what happened to me today, I'm also not going to put out all the details. They would hurt another person that I love very much, and I'm not willing to do that. Actually, that's what has caused the problem in the first place.

You see, if something is really private I'm not really gonna put it out on the flippin' internet. ESPECIALLY if it's something so personal I can barely talk about it.

And THAT is the crux of the matter.

You see, in this personal life of mine, I have some "issues". Issues that are painful and on-going. As I said, they revolve around someone I love. They are not issues that are easily resolved, so instead of talking about them (aka wasting time) I just deal with it. Do I deal with it correctly? No. Probably not. But, I'm me, and I just do the best that I can.

So anyway, I hadn't talked to a friend of mine in a long time. Couldn't figure out why. So I called her to find out. When we actually got to have the discussion this evening on my drive home, I couldn't have been more surprised over what transpired. I was completely blind sided.

Now, let me just put this out there. I am a selfish person. Really. I am. I will NOT do something that will cause me undo pain. Not gonna do it. Nope. No way. No how. And that is pain in any form. Physical, emotional, spiritual. I'm not real fond of hurting so I do a pretty damned good job of avoiding it all together.

That being said, there is one thing I am NOT. And that is stupid. NO one can say that I am with a straight face.

And what I was being accused of was not just selfish. It was hurtful, irresponsible, mean and down right cruel. Most of all, it is something only a stupid person would even THINK about doing. THAT is Just Not Me.

So, anyway, back to the story. As my friend was outlining just how selfish and hurtful a person I am, I found myself speechless. And the only thought going through my mind was "She doesn't know. She doesn't know all the facts." I couldn't tell her without putting the other person in a bad light, and that wasn't going to happen. Hell, if I was going to do that I could have avoided the whole mess in the first place.

And then, as she continued to berate me as if I were a 5 year old, I got mad.

Now folks, let me tell you something. You put me in the corner, usually I'll come out swinging. One way or another. The swing I choose in this little skirmish was silence.

How Dare She Judge Me. How Dare She. I even told her she didn't have all the details. But I also made it clear why I was unwilling to put them out there. But - and here's the kicker - she's known me for 30 years. THIRTY F*CKIN' YEARS and she couldn't even ASK me my side?!?!? She just assumed that she had all the facts - even though they are out of character for me - and made her judgement.

I cannot tell you how angry I am. Ok - hurt. I'm crushed. Beyond words at this point.

During the end of the conversation I told her that in hindsight I did make a bad decision, but there was nothing I could do. And I wasn't going to enlighten her on what she didn't know. I couldn't. But if this is what would be the ending of a 30 year friendship, that's really a shame.

She said "But I didn't say this was the end of our friendship".

I thought - No, but it is. She crossed the line. Big Time.

I don't ask for much. I'm pretty low maintenance. I need few things. Trust, loyalty, communication and honesty. Respect is pretty high on the list too. But seriously, don't judge me. I'm open about who I am, in real life. I know I'm not perfect, but then I dare one single person to step up and tell me they are. I'll call you out on that one in a heartbeat.

But I don't expect someone who shares a history like we have shared, all those years, so many laughs and tears, to not even give me the benefit of the doubt. To not even ask me. To just decide I'm that different of a person than the one you've known all this time. That's unacceptable. 100%

I'm done. There are no second chances when it comes to that.

Posted by Tammi at April 30, 2007 08:54 PM | TrackBack

I'm sorry to hear about this, Tammi.


Posted by: caltechgirl at May 1, 2007 12:48 AM

Hang in there, Tammi.

Posted by: zonker at May 1, 2007 07:13 AM

Yeepers. Hang in there...

Posted by: Richmond at May 1, 2007 07:16 AM

Bleep. Hang in there! FWIIW, anyone who would not even start to ask you for your side is not a friend in any way, shape, or form. Almost wish I could give them a piece of my mind -- and with some things in my life right now, am most willing.


Posted by: Laughing Wolf at May 1, 2007 08:58 AM

Oh my dear sweet friend, I'm so very, very sorry that this has happened. I know what a precious gift a friendship is, and especially one for that long. And a friendship with you is like a double bonus in so many ways.

I'm so very sorry that this happened and that no only did you get your heart hurt but in the end you both have lost the very precious gift of each other. It would be nice to think of one day coming and this person receiving the full facts that they chose to act without, but who knows when that happens what they will do with that knowledge.

I'm so very sorry for your loss my dear. Sending big warm hugs and puppy kisses!

Posted by: Lee Ann at May 1, 2007 09:02 AM

Hang in there Tammi!
I know we don't talk like we used to, and I confess thats largely my fault, but I still consider you a close and dear friend all the same.

Anyone who isn't willing to understand both sides of a friendship, well, is more foolish than the one accused of it. I think you made a hard but true decesion.

I'm sorry this happened with you, and for what it's worth you have my support. It's the quality of a friend's friendship that marks a true friendship, not the quantity of themselves they give to you.

I'd say you have one of the highest quality values in someone that I have known in quite a while!

Posted by: BloodSpite at May 1, 2007 09:28 AM

I lost a friend of 23 years to the same sort of situation, She said some awful, hateful things about me based on a half witted story that did not include all the facts. I have decided I am better off. That was over a year ago and honestly, if someone is supposed to know you so well and judges you based on something that is inaccurate and totally out of character, you did not really know each other. Just my view from my similar experience. But good news....Uh, My husband and I have almost completly paid off our last credit card. We will soon be debt free. Whoo hoo!!!!!!

Posted by: Katy at May 1, 2007 11:28 AM

It's so much easier to judge someone when you haven't heard their side of things, isn't it?

Since I don't know the story (either side), all I can do is fall back on the usual platitudes. But instead of doing that, I will just wish you the best - of friends and of everything else.

Posted by: Elisson at May 1, 2007 12:21 PM

Everything I write sounds trite, so I'll just say that I'm so sorry, Tammi.


Posted by: pam at May 1, 2007 01:15 PM

Ol' friends are tuff to scrub. If you know you're right in your side of it, saddle up and ride. Let 'em think what they will. They'll catch up to you when both eyes are open.

It's damned hard to come back home if the door's nailed shut though.

Posted by: RedNeck at May 1, 2007 07:50 PM

i know the feeling, big time.

i hope you get to a peaceful resolution for yourself. if you need anything, call.

Posted by: shoe at May 2, 2007 07:10 AM

Geez louise. You want I should send someone to "take care of this" for you....So Sorry. But I need details. I know you tried to call the other day and I have been busy. Going to my first childbirth class tonight, but try me tomorrow (Friday).

Posted by: Carmen at May 3, 2007 03:43 PM
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