Tammi's World

I'm Keeping Track

This blog has gone from being an outlet for my thoughts to more like a journal. The main reason for that is there is a lot going on with me that I can't blog about. But I do use it to look back and just keep track of my life. I know it's hurt my "numbers" but I'm learning to deal with that.

What? You thought I didn't care about how many hits I get each day? Well, I do. Anyone that checks their sitemeter and does their best to post every day does - don't let 'em tell you any different.

Anyway - that's not what this is about. This is kind of my true confession. Oh, nothing hot and heavy just a realization I came to.

I'm trying to get healthier. That includes modifying the way I eat. In other words, I'm on a diet. Again.

Now, I found this post from last winter when I actually shared with y'all my eating disorder and what I was going through at my old job. Damn - no wonder I've put on some pounds since I've been up here! What assholes they were!!!

And how different things are today! Now, I'm working with a group of people that are supportive. Encouraging. AND they're nice about it.

There are three of us that walk every day at lunch. At least every day that we can. We're starting out at about 1 1/2 miles hoping to work our way up to four in time. We're all at different fitness levels so we compromise. Huh. Imagine that. Compromising....

Anyway, some of the women are on Weight Watchers, some the South Beach Diet and some, like me, are just going back to a healty way of eating.

We talk to each other. We share what's working and what's not. Some of us are even putting together a plan so that we can stay on track during the upcoming shows. It's great!

This weekend was tough for me. The weekends always are. I had gone to the store and bought all healthy stuff. No cookies. No cakes. I know if they're here I'll eat them. Especially on a weekend. Cause if I get bored - I cook and eat. Period.

Well, the craving hit me hard yesterday. Really hard. My first line of defence was to work out. And I did. It didn't work. I still wanted something sweet. I started to get everything together to make French Toast. No. Not a good idea.

So I had some fruit. Huh. Didn't really cut it. So it settles into my brain and I want.......something Something really sweet, with chocolate. Ok, mandrian oranges. Yeah, didn't cut it.

Anyway, as I'm prowling through The Belfry, fighting myself I realized what was happening. And I started to laugh.

So this is how someone with an eating disorder tries to be healthy. I realized it was the first time in my life I've modified my eating and not gone overboard. Or have I?

Yes, I got on a scale. I know I've said a million times I can't, but I did. And as I knew would happen, the number has stuck in my head. So yesterday I spent an hour trying to prove to myself that I really am FAT. I couldn't find the data to support it. And I looked. Like I said, for an hour.

But I did find that I need the increased physical activity. I did find that what I'm doing (other than the obsession part) are the right things to do.

I've set my goals at a reasonable level. And I'm not even shooting for the old 140lbs. I made myself look at pictures from that time and I just don't want to go there. I'm more focused on how far I'm walking, how often and how I feel. I'm looking for changes in my body. And yes, as is usual for Tammi I'm looking for them now. But, I'm not weighing myself every day. I'm using the scale to make sure I'm not doing anything WRONG, not for any other reason.

So take this as a warning. I'll be posting my progress, one way or another, on a weekly basis. I'm going to make these changes in my lifestyle. It's going to make a difference. And I need to hold myself accountable. I won't bore you with it, or at least I'll try not too. But I do need to keep track.

And if by chance, you're in the same place I am, drop me a line. We can help each other. After all, the best part of blogging is the community we have created. We can help each other!

Posted by Tammi at January 22, 2007 05:00 AM | TrackBack