January 07, 2007

Once Upon a Time.....

Isn't it strange how the mind works? Well, mine at least.

Today is January 7th. I would have been married 22 years today.

Holy Crap.

Now, realize this - I'm not sitting here mourning and wallowing in beautiful memories. Not at all.

But I am reflecting. And realizing that we need to pay attention to our instincts.

My wedding day dawned warm and rainy. Actually there were thunderstorms. In January for cryin' out loud. Sign #1.

None of my friends would come to my wedding. None. I didn't even have a Maid of Honor I chose. She was the wife of my husband's friend. I had never met her. Sign #2.

I couldn't afford nice flowers. So I had picked up some silk/plastic flowers at the dime store and spent the evening before tryin' to make arrangements. You have to have flowers at a wedding for cryin' out loud. Well, my hands were nothing but a series of cuts. Bloody and raw. Sign #3.

I had found some tablecloth lace really cheap and designed a dress that I wanted. A lady from my husbands bowling league had agreed to put it together for me. She sewed it wrong. It was pretty horrible. Sign #4.

We exchanged vows at his sister's farm house. Surrounded by family. They didn't like me much. There were about 18 people present. By an hour before the ceremony started they had already drank 3 cases of beer. Not a single picture was taken that didn't include a Lite Beer can in it. Sign #5.

My husband was 2 hours late for the ceremony. He was sitting in a bar the next town over. "Celebrating". He was so drunk during the vow exchange I remember thinking I could get an annulment based on that fact alone. Then realizing that wasn't an option. Sign #6.

I tried to leave. Several times. Before he even got there. The funniest picture looks staged. It's me, in my horrible wedding dress, pulling on the front door handle trying to leave. My MIL had thrown herself in front of me blocking my way. Mama Vi was standing behind me trying to push me through. Sign #7.

Looking back at this list, and it is by no means complete - just the highlights, all I can do is shake my head. Why? Why did I do it when I KNEW it was wrong. I DIDN'T want to marry him. BUT - and this is huge. I thought it was my only choice. I thought it was my lot in life. Seriously. AND his boys needed someone. I needed someone to need me.

I did NOT get married thinking it would not work. When I said those vows I committed myself for life. Divorce was not an option.

And I remember the day I found out the divorce was final. I actually cried. As stupid and pathetic as that sounds I did. In my mind marriage is one of, if not the most important commitment we will ever make. Not to be taken lightly. And the failure of mine weighed heavy.

So today I remember. And I wonder if he does. And I promise myself again that I will pay attention to my insticts. I will not ignore the signs.

And I will never SETTLE again.

Posted by Tammi at January 7, 2007 09:13 AM | TrackBack
Comments

Instincts are powerful weapons against evil! Or maybe it's your guardian angel tapping on your shoulder.

Some of my favorite pictures in the world are of my first wedding and reception... my friends were apoplectic because they loathed the groom... and the expressions on their faces through the ordeal were priceless!
We still drag those photos out and laugh hysterically at my mistake and their discomfort. ;)

Posted by: pam at January 7, 2007 02:44 PM

You know, that advice goes for everything in your life not just marriage.

I don't think I would be in the situation I am in right now work wise if I would have listened to my instincts back in March.

Posted by: Quality Weenie at January 7, 2007 04:37 PM

... good for you, Tammi....

Posted by: Eric at January 7, 2007 05:24 PM

Honestly, I'm glad you had that marriage, because it made you the warm, wonderful, loving person you are today.

As bad as it was, there are - arguably - worse ways to learn the lessons that you learned from it. Or you might not have learned those lessons at all.

And then where would you be today?

Nowhere near as strong, prosperous, loved, optimistic, or happy, I'd bet.

Posted by: Harvey at January 11, 2007 11:32 AM
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