Tammi's World

Once Upon a Time.....

Isn't it strange how the mind works? Well, mine at least.

Today is January 7th. I would have been married 22 years today.

Holy Crap.

Now, realize this - I'm not sitting here mourning and wallowing in beautiful memories. Not at all.

But I am reflecting. And realizing that we need to pay attention to our instincts.

My wedding day dawned warm and rainy. Actually there were thunderstorms. In January for cryin' out loud. Sign #1.

None of my friends would come to my wedding. None. I didn't even have a Maid of Honor I chose. She was the wife of my husband's friend. I had never met her. Sign #2.

I couldn't afford nice flowers. So I had picked up some silk/plastic flowers at the dime store and spent the evening before tryin' to make arrangements. You have to have flowers at a wedding for cryin' out loud. Well, my hands were nothing but a series of cuts. Bloody and raw. Sign #3.

I had found some tablecloth lace really cheap and designed a dress that I wanted. A lady from my husbands bowling league had agreed to put it together for me. She sewed it wrong. It was pretty horrible. Sign #4.

We exchanged vows at his sister's farm house. Surrounded by family. They didn't like me much. There were about 18 people present. By an hour before the ceremony started they had already drank 3 cases of beer. Not a single picture was taken that didn't include a Lite Beer can in it. Sign #5.

My husband was 2 hours late for the ceremony. He was sitting in a bar the next town over. "Celebrating". He was so drunk during the vow exchange I remember thinking I could get an annulment based on that fact alone. Then realizing that wasn't an option. Sign #6.

I tried to leave. Several times. Before he even got there. The funniest picture looks staged. It's me, in my horrible wedding dress, pulling on the front door handle trying to leave. My MIL had thrown herself in front of me blocking my way. Mama Vi was standing behind me trying to push me through. Sign #7.

Looking back at this list, and it is by no means complete - just the highlights, all I can do is shake my head. Why? Why did I do it when I KNEW it was wrong. I DIDN'T want to marry him. BUT - and this is huge. I thought it was my only choice. I thought it was my lot in life. Seriously. AND his boys needed someone. I needed someone to need me.

I did NOT get married thinking it would not work. When I said those vows I committed myself for life. Divorce was not an option.

And I remember the day I found out the divorce was final. I actually cried. As stupid and pathetic as that sounds I did. In my mind marriage is one of, if not the most important commitment we will ever make. Not to be taken lightly. And the failure of mine weighed heavy.

So today I remember. And I wonder if he does. And I promise myself again that I will pay attention to my insticts. I will not ignore the signs.

And I will never SETTLE again.

Posted by Tammi at January 7, 2007 09:13 AM | TrackBack