Tammi's World

Just a break. Just one break.

This post is probably a bit heavy for a Friday, but with what happened to Mama yesterday I just need to work through some of my thoughts and feelings.

My faith has always been a very personal thing for me. I'm not one to stand on a soapbox and preach but I also have no issue what so ever talking about what I believe and why. I just have one rule. I won't try and make you think/believe the way I do and I expect that to be reciprecated. Period.

My view of God is as a father. And my view of a father is someone loving and kind yet with rules that must be followed. For every action there is a reaction and a good parent knows that failure can be a learning experience.

I've never been one to blame God for any of the bad in my life. I also know to be grateful when there is good. I believe he doesn't PUNISH us with the bad, it's just a reaction born from a choice we made.

That all being said, I'm just in agony for my poor mother.

She has had such a difficult life. Growing up for her was not a cake walk. Not by any stretch of the imagination. She left home young. Made it on her own with little education and just a heart full of love for a man her family hated.

Their wedding day they both had injuries. Daddy had a broken arm, Mama a pretty bad burn on hers. They spent their honeymoon driving Daddy's truck cross the state since he couldn't shift by himself.

Money wasn't something we've ever had in abundance. Not that it was evident, they both had a gift for making the most with what we had. But yeah, money worries were constant.

Her main wish in life was to have a family. She had at least 8 miscarraiges before they finally just told her she could never have a child of her own. Believe me when I tell you, I know that was a kick in the ass. Having had a miscarraige myself and now not being able to have children - I know. But she didn't let it keep her down. Instead, Mama and Daddy went about having a family the only way possible for them at that time. They adopted.

She lost several brothers and sisters at a young age. Young being her in her 30's and they in their late 20's early 30's. But again, she was the strength in the family. She is the oldest Daughter and made sure that the family remembered with love those that are gone, and not dwell on the loss itself.

She lost the love of her life at the age of 40. Her baby brother at the same time.

She was left alone to raise two girls by herself. Family wasn't really there to help. Mainly because her pride wouldn't allow her to ask for that help.

So many of her friends stopped coming around. They didn't know what to say. They didn't know how to help. But that didn't stop her. She gave us girls the best that she had.

Her oldest daughter had some issues. Eating disorders, breakdowns and drugs/alcohol were all things Mama had to learn about via a crash course. But she did the best she could. She shouldered on.

Both daughters marry assholes. Showing up with broken bones and bruises. Even so much that when she lived next door to one she could HEAR the beatings. She could LISTEN to her daughters cries. Yet again, she did what she could and got us ALL through.

Her grandchildren have incredibly difficult lives and there is little she can do but love them. Love them and be there when they need her.

She watched her grandmother die of alzhiemers. Then her mother. She finally made peace with her father before his passing.

She now sees the signs in herself.

I could go on and on and on. But this gives you just a glimpse of how rough Mama's life has been.

So I found myself last night, laying in the dark, wondering WHY. Why does she have to continue to hurt so much? Why can't she just catch a break? Why can't she have the one thing she has asked for these later years? Peace. And independence.

No, I don't blame God for the fact that yet again she hurts. Yet again she is afraid. But damn it. Can't she just once catch a break?

Just once, not to have to worry. Just once not to have to swallow her pride and ask for help. Just One Time.

A broken arm may not seem like much. But it diminishes her ability to support herself. It causes pain, that most likely will be a constant for the rest of her life. The accident itself destroyed her pride. This has hit her on every level. Every level. It changes everything.

So yeah, I'm sorta pissed today. And the bad thing is I have too much common sense to be mad at God. I know better. So instead I'm just flat out pissed. At circumstances, at choices made, at so many futile stupid things to be pissed off at.

But - my sister and I? We are our mother's daughters. We have to follow the example that she gave us. We make lemonade and cookies. We smile and do the best we can with what we've got. But damn. This just really sucks. All I ever wanted was for Mama to get a break. Guess I'm going to have to be a bit more specific from now on........

Posted by Tammi at December 8, 2006 08:11 AM | TrackBack