Tammi's World

Basics

I'm still catchin' up a bit from the last few weeks. And since we have our National Sales meeting next week, it's busier than all get out right now.

So last night I had me a little dinner, checked a few blogs and called it an early EARLY evening.

As I curled up in bed, the temperatures a cool 50 something, fan blowing softly in the window, I got to thinking. I got to thinking about life and blogging.

I still remember when I first found this blogosphere that we all share. It was when Smash had first headed for the sandbox. I was captivated. Even knowing he only posted periodically I found myself checking his site several times a day. Reading and rereading every word.

Then I branched out to other milblogs. Learning and commenting. It was fabulous. The next step was the personal blogs. Catching a glimpse of other peoples every day existance, sharing a laugh or a tear.

In no time at all I had my own site. I remember thinking not "I can do this" but instead looking at it as a way to share. A way to do something. A break from being on the road, a way to step away from work.

But I have to be honest with you. I've never been good at the abstract. I'm a "hands on" kinda gal. I need to have the conversation. I want to look in your eyes. I'm not just satisfied with words on paper (or screen as it were). That is when the friendships began.

And ohhh how that has changed everything. Enriched my life in so many ways. Some of my very closest friends are folks I've met through this funny sphere. Y'all have been there through the tough times at work, Mama getting sick, a cross country move and well - more bad times than you even know about.

And we've done a few happy dances together - haven't we?

But as with all things, it gets complicated. I always said that this blog is MINE. My thoughts, my feelings. My outlet. I share with you because I want to. Not for any other reason. It allows me to talk about my love of this country and our military. It gives me a venue to try and help someone - anyone - in a bad domestic situation. It lets me share my stories.

One thing I never wanted it to be was "fakey". I am who I am. Good/bad/ugly. And I hope that's what you take away from your visits here. I will never put on airs. I don't pretend not to have issues - we all do. Wouldn't I look like an ass tryin' to convince you that I don't?! I have good days and bad days. Just. Like. Everyone. Else. And I'll let you in on a little secret. I'm like this in real life too.

Oh, now in real life I can be a bit catty at times. Hell - we all can. I just don't air that. I save that for my closest friends. And it should be no surprise to anyone that I have a bit of a temper. But it's like an ocean squall. Comes up fast, does it's damage and then.....disappears. I speak my mind and then move on.

Before blogging I spent so much time alone I started to lose track of all that. Before blogging my world seemed to be closing in on me.

But now - it's almost as suffocating. I find myself holding back on what I write. I don't speak my mind as easily. I often go back and read old posts, just to remind myself of where I've been and how far things have come. I notice how my writing has changed. Oh, I still sit down and write directly off the top of my head. I'm not a researcher, I'm just an opinionated girl. But now I don't always hit publish. I worry about what "people think". Some how, some where it became more about other people. Worryin' about how they saw me, how my feelings were being viewed. I actually worried about what people were saying about me.

And I don't want to do that any more. I need this outlet. I need the opportunity to feel like I'm making a difference, in one way or another. We read blogs to share our worlds, our thoughts. And I've stopped doing that. Because my two worlds became one.

That's good - and that's bad.

But it sure was a lot to have on my mind last night........

Posted by Tammi at September 26, 2006 05:32 AM | TrackBack