May 22, 2006
Breathe
The vacation is offically over. I took Friday, Saturday and Sunday off from worrying. I still have no final answers and because of that can make no solid plans. So worryin' won't accomplish a damned thing.
The days were easy to get through. I watched movies, packed some boxes, had company....yep the days were alright.
But the nights. Dear sweet Lord, the nights kicked my ass.
I've been having panic attacks. I can handle them when I feel them coming during the day. I feel my mind start to spin out of control, my heartbeat begins to race but I stop. I calm myself. That nips it in the bud.
But during the nights they sneak up on me. My dreams will begin to deal with the whole "where am I going? What am I doing" stuff and next thing I know I wake up in the grip of a full blown attack. That's been happening more and more lately. Last night? 3 of them.
You see - my cousin arrives on Thursday. This coming Thursday. Four days from now. Folks - I still have no answers. OK - stop.....breathe.......breathe.....
Anyway - today is sorting, packing and waiting for the phone. As I've said, this company is fully aware that no decision by Friday means I am gone. GONE. So they are pushing hard to get the CEO in the office. They will call as soon as they know anything.
Time waits for no man.
Mean while - the mantra here in Tammi's World is "Just Breathe"
(I find the final verse very appropriate right now)
2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.