Tammi's World

Perfection

Wanna know a secret? Nobody's perfect. Nobody's life is perfect, no one is without fault. Period.

Shocking I know. Hell, if you read through the blogsphere, it just seems like life actually IS a bowl of cherries. But I call Bull Shit.

Let's face it. None of us really air all our dirty laundry. No one shares all their deep dark secrets. Oh - some get close, but you have to know, deep down inside there are doors that remain firmly locked. No Entry. Period.

I've had folks tell me I've lived a fairly full life to date. And I have. Daddy always told me the worst thing you can say at the end of the day is I wish I had, or I wonder if. So I go for it. I take chances. Often - they blow up in my face, but always there is a lesson involved. A memory or twenty to cherish. Or, heaven forbid, more emotional baggage to cart around.

I kinda wanna talk about the baggage part right now. That baggage is a huge part of who we are and why. And some people have more than most. Me? I have my fair share.

I still cringe when I hear a man yell in anger. I flinch when someone raises a hand at me. Oh - I won't back down, but I flinch.

I often assume that people think I'm stupid. It's why I'm always tellin' you I'm not just a dumb girl. I just figure that is the impression I give so I need to make sure you realize there is more to me than that.

My little sayin'? "This is what I'm gonna need for you to do"? Yeah, that's all a part of my baggage. For years my life careened out of control - now, I try and keep as tight a hold on it as possible. Doesn't work all that well, and I don't react well to chaos, but I try. Oh Lordy do I try.

I freak out when I have no food in my house. Seriously. Oh, I can live on rice and peanut butter - easy. But I panic if I open the fridge and there's nothing there. Nothing I can do about that.

Even my love of entertaining is actually baggage based. To have folks in my home, enjoying food I've prepared, carrying on a conversation - comes from years of forced isolation. No human interaction? Yeah, I have a melt down.

And I could go on. There are things I'll never really talk about. Hell - what I share is enough to scare off many folks. Why would I open up just to run everyone off? But I think it's important to know - we all carry around crap based on our past experiences. None of us are perfect.

Which leads me to another point. If you're looking for perfection? Damn - it's gonna be a long lonely wait. Opening yourself up, sharing who you are and why, learning to know another person and seeing them at their best and worst? Tough stuff. Even tougher is the accepting of that person and more so allowing them to accept you.

Scary.

No, terrifying.

So you have to make a choice. Do I take the chance or do I just keep running? Do I open up and allow others to do the same or do I just play it safe? That's a decision you and only you can make for yourself.

Me? I'm a risk taker. Always have been. Always will be. But I'll let you in on a little secret.....with every risk, every failure, a little piece of me goes behind the closed door. Just a piece. But none the less, it's gone.

But I figure it's worth it.

Posted by Tammi at May 20, 2006 06:00 AM | TrackBack