Tammi's World

First Love

Michele at Letters from New York is asking for stories. She is asking us to look back and remember that very first time we fell in love. Was it reciprocated? What was the attraction? Did it last? How has it impacted our present day lives?

I left my comments at her post and encourage you to do the same.

But the memories she stirred didn't go away. I sat here with those thoughts and pictures running through my head as I relaxed after my class last night.

My first love came late in my live. It was after my divorce. It was unexpected, passionate and fleeting. But it had a deep and lasting impact on ME. It was the first step in my healing. I've never been the same.

I sat here trying to understand WHY. What was it about falling in love with HIM that changed everything in me? Why HIM? Why didn't it last?

The last question is actually the easiest to answer. It didn't last because neither one of us was ready to be in love at that time. We had both had horrible marriages and nightmare divorces. Our relationship was a stepping stone to realizing that we were both good people, that someone COULD love us. And we needed the opportunity to realize that beyond just one relationship.

As to why I fell in love with him - to be honest part of it was the timing. I was so vulnerable. Easy prey as they say. Thank goodness he was a good man that didn't take advantage. The other part was chemistry. We had connected emotionally - we became friends. But there was that physical attraction. Hell - he was so beautiful (and yes I mean beautiful) that when I first met him I almost turned around and left.....I was SOOOOOO out of my league. But what it came down to was the way he made me feel when he looked at me. When he touched me as we sat with friends - just to let me know he remembered I was there. I was treasured.

But the first question - how has it impacted my life now - that is the question that just continues to roll through my mind. And honestly - that's the most important part of this whole thing. The memories are wonderful - even the painful ones. But.......how has it made me a different person today.

When I first moved to Florida from Chicago I was a very different person than I am today. I had been married and responsible for someone else for 11 years. No fun - honestly. I dressed very conservatively. I didn't own a pair of shorts or even a bathing suit. I had never been on a boat. I was tired, scared and alone. He took me on my first boat ride. That led to me discovering an entirely different lifestyle - shorts, bathing suits, no shoes, just plain relaxation. And when he kissed me....I felt special.

He also proved I don't have to settle. Never again.

I don't compare anyone to him. But he's set the standard. Does that make sense? I now know what I need in a relationship - respect, laughter, balance, trust, and passion.

He helped me realize that I am a woman. That it's ok to laugh - at any time. He helped me remember how sexy laughter is. He opened the door for me to discover confidence in myself. He gave me hope.

It's funny. As I was running though all these memories and thoughts a song just kept running through my mind. Actually just the first part of a song. It perfectly explains how this first love impacts my life still today.

As Time Goes By
This day and age we're living in
Gives cause for apprehension
With speed and new invention
And things like fourth dimension
Yet we get a trifle weary
With Mr. Einstein's thory
So we must get down to earth at times
Relax relieve the tension
And no matter what the progress
Or what may yet be proved
The simple facts of life are such
They cannot be removed

You must remember this
A kiss is still a kiss
A sigh is just a sigh
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by

So thank you Mark, for the laughter and the lessons. The passion and the promise. For showing me that it's alright to relax - it's not being lazy. For helping me realize that all men are not tyrants. But most important for the knowledge that even *I* can love.

Now - head on over to Michele's and share your story.

Posted by Tammi at February 21, 2005 08:16 AM