January 31, 2005

Kind of on the personal side...

Yesterday was kind of a "icky" day for me. Had so much on my mind, on many fronts. I didn't feel good. Not one bit.

Since I've spent so much time whining and complaining the past few months - I'm going to put the rest of this post in the extended entry - that way I've got it out of my system and you don't have to look at all that "grunch".

It's kinda personal.....

I'm just not happy. Not at all. And I'm stuck. Frozen in a place I don't want to be. Not just logistically and professionally, but spiritually, emotionally, physically and intellectually. Yicky - huh.

I've pretty much figured out what I need to do about the first two issues. And I now realize WHY I'm so unhappy in those. I hate working alone. Hate it Hate it Hate it. I am a people person. I get my juices flowing from the give and take of teammates sharing ideas. I need to be able to discuss situations - FACE TO FACE with others that really GET it. I love the freedom, but I know there is a balance that can be found. Believe it or not - a plan is being formulated. Honestly. Just got to work out a few details.

Spiritually I'm struggling. I always start my prayers out with praise and thanks. Just like I try to do with any conversation. I make sure my gratitude is expressed.....but right now there's not so much (on a personal level) that I'm grateful for. Oh, my friends and family. The fact that I've been safe on the highways and biways. I'm grateful for a job. But I just don't feel the JOY. I don't know where it went. I'm looking for it.

Emotionally I feel like I'm in a dark cave. I don't laugh so much. Hell - I don't even tell jokes like I used to. OK - let's just be honest. I'm lonely. Plain and simple. I miss my friends. Oh - it's great that I get to talk to them on the phone. LOVE THAT!! It makes my days most times. But.....I'm a people person. I like face to face contact. It feeds me. I like to have people over to my home (ok, that's happening real soon!) and I like to go and visit. I need children around me.......they give me hope. They shine a light in this dark cave with their joy and curiosity. Not a lot of that lately.

Physically - I am a mess. Since those damned hurricanes I've put on more weight than I've carried in 15 years. I'm miserable. And it's spiraling out of control. I have no energy, so I don't walk. But I know if I walk I'll have more energy. I'm hoping Mac will help with that. He will HAVE to be walked, no choice there - not a big fan of puppy messes in the house.

I am just not taking the time for the little things either. Let me give you an example. I am a freak about my hands. I'm kinda vain about them. I've always had great nails, never did anything special - just kept them painted and trimmed. Heck, in my modeling days (and before all the stupid scars and age took their toll) I was a hand model. You never saw me with less than a perfect manicure (always done by moi). I actually ran stores this weekend with my nails broken and chipped and the paint peeling off. THAT NEVER HAPPENS. Now, part of that is from setting up beds in one of the stores, but I have to be honest - they looked like shit when I left the house. Who IS this woman?!?!?

Intellectually I haven't pushed myself at all. Hell - I haven't read a book since before my mom's heart attack. I don't have the time is my ususal excuse, but to be honest - I have no desire. None. Don't want to. I don't even watch movies. Oh there are a few I want to see, but I guess not enough to do it.

I'm the only person that can fix this. I've got to get my head back in the game. I know I've posted before about much of this, and I'm ashamed that I haven't done much to fix it. I've got to. Planning for the Family Reunion and looking forward to seeing all these wonderful people that have become such a part of my life is a big help. Every time I start to get complacent I think of that and it gets me going. But I can't let it end there. I've always, always said if you don't like something don't just bitch about it......change/fix it. Well, Hello Tammi! Listen to yourself for a change. Damnit woman - get your head out of that dark place it's been residing and get 'er done.

If you followed this mess......damn, thanks. I don't expect any answers. I just really wanted to get this all out so that I now HAVE to do something. Once something is exposed action has to follow. You see, I hate wasted effort.

Posted by Tammi at January 31, 2005 09:07 AM


Posted by: _Jon at January 31, 2005 09:16 AM

{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}} I will talk to you later!

Posted by: Teresa at January 31, 2005 09:27 AM


And to get you up and moving


Chasing me and pummeling me should be good exercise.

And to end it


Posted by: Laughing Wolf at January 31, 2005 10:10 AM

Hey you've got half the battle won already. A car stuck in the sand doesn't do anything but throw sand in the air while it spins it's tires. Sounds to me like you've got some traction and are climbing out of the sand. You can turn the wheel and change direction later...right now it's all about momentum. You got it licked my friend.

Posted by: Koolaid at January 31, 2005 11:30 AM

{{{{{{BIG HUG}}}}}}

At least you're not suffering from "trigger finger!" :)

You'll be okay... just remember everyone is here for ya!

Posted by: That 1 Guy at January 31, 2005 11:50 AM

T1G - now THAT's Funny!! You gonna post on that one or am I?!?!?

Posted by: Tammi at January 31, 2005 11:52 AM

I think I'll let you do it. I'm a little behind on things, and besides, it was your find! Damn funny too, I might add! At least we shared a good laugh then... sounded like you needed it that day!

Posted by: That 1 Guy at January 31, 2005 11:59 AM

Realizing you have a problem means your half way to finding a solution.

It's these funky times in our lives that makes us really look at what we want and where we want to go. Sounds like a change is afoot.

Posted by: Machelle at January 31, 2005 12:42 PM

Well, I hate people (Hello, I'm an Ogre!).

So I'll just send all the people who want to talk to me over to your house to talk, and all will be well in the world. ;)

Posted by: Ogre at January 31, 2005 01:18 PM

You said it best that the 'healing" must begin with you. However, remember you have others out there that will be there for you when needed!

Posted by: John at January 31, 2005 03:32 PM

I think by this age, many of us have been there at least once. It doesn't make it any easier for you knowig that, but I think most of us identify with being in a very very bad place. I think there will be a change... I am hopeful.

Posted by: Boudicca at January 31, 2005 11:21 PM

You know Tammi, we all face dark times, and...


[grabs Tammi in a flying tackle, pins her down, and starts looking for vulnerable spots]


Posted by: Harvey at February 1, 2005 01:06 AM