Tammi's World

Have You Ever....

Loved someone so much you just can't move on? Loved someone that was the perfect ying for your yang, but the timing was just......bad?

I've been in love 2x in my life. Both since my divorce. No, I didn't love my husband. He wasn't the lovable kind. He didn't love me either - there was no secret in that. He needed someone to take care of him and his kids, and in extention the rest of his family. I needed to be needed. Bad, bad idea.

I honestly didn't think I was capable of any thing more than that. I'm pretty soft hearted and a romantic to my bones but never had those crushes others had, never daydreamed about "true love". (I think I have an issue with trust, but that's an entirely different post.)When I do love, I love deeply. That goes for my friends and my family.

Both times I've really fallen in love have kind of slipped up and slapped me up side the head. The first was right after my divorce. We met over the internet, and found it ironic that he lived in Sarasota and I was moving to Bradenton. We exchanged many, many emails, and had wonderful long converstations over the phone. Nothing romantic at that point - just developing that friendship. Honestly, that's all I was looking for. Then came the day we actually met face to face. I pull up and get out of the car. Knock on the door and, Holy Cow, there he was. I stood there for a moment and then, without saying a word, turned around and went back to the car. He called out to me, and I eventually turned back. Man, I thought, I am out of my league here.

He was 6'5", blonde, blue eyed, from Scotland, and well, let me just say, my dream was standing in that door way. Needless to say things moved along at a pretty fast clip from there.

He was the first man to tell me I was beautiful. He never took me for granted. He wanted to do things for me. He treated me with respect. He appreciated me. The problem was timing. We were both coming out of horrible marriages, devastating divorces and well, the timing was very bad.

I dated a couple of times after that. Nothing serious, nothing steady - until 7 years later. (Yes, 7 years!)

I met a man about 3 years ago. A gentleman. A warrior. A man with strong opinions, that isn't a bully. A man with conviction, morals, values - a man who knows who he is. A man who's lived a difficult life (most of us have). He's very smart, he makes me laugh, he touches the very deepest corner of my soul. We talk about everything - his military service, my career, sports, politics, our families, religion, food, our dreams. After a while, he just became a part of me. We share common goals, dreams, visions. The first time I saw him he made me smile. His eyes dance - all the time. There is a joy in him that even he doesn't realize. When we talk we know exactly what is meant, it's always been that way. I thought it was the stuff of fairy tales - I hear others talk about that and just figured it wasn't something I'd ever know.

And then there is that damned timing. It's all wrong. It will probably never be more than what we have right now. He lives there, I live here. We both have trust issues, but yet - instinctivly trust each other - that's amazed us both from the start. But yet - we can't seem to cut that final tie.

Just about the time we drift completly away - something happens. An email will just appear. Or even, gasp, a phone call. Just that little something that keeps that damn spark going. I know it doesn't make sense, but for some reason we both seem to NEED to know that the other is still there.

Now, I don't want you to think I just sit here pining for him. I don't. I just want what I want. Simple. And I don't just "get something to fill in". Never been my style. As I've said numerous times, I just don't settle.

What brought on this post? Nothing really, just a song. A song that triggers thoughts of him, and I needed to get them out there.

Posted by Tammi at December 6, 2004 10:27 AM