My blogbrother That 1 Guy is back! (Damn, we didn't get the place cleaned up in time, from the comment party - sorry dude!)
He askes a good question "what would you do to keep your grown child from marrying someone who YOU deem unfit?" Man did that get my mind a whirling.
We are dealing with that in my little family right now. My oldest niece is 17 and involved with someone that, yeah in our mind, is not fit. It's causing a lot of problems with the family, as we all have strong, differing opinions.
She is a beautiful young lady that has had a very bad life. External circumstances and a father that is more interested in himself and how he can manipulate situations for his own betterment have come together to create a sad, lonely underconfident person. So she meets this guy and falls in love.
At first glance it doesn't sound so bad, right? Did I mention the kid's father is one of the largest drug dealers in my hometown? Did I mention that when I met him it was more than obvious that he is a gang-banger? Did I mention that he refuses to work, and that she is working 2 jobs to keep them in money so they can do things, and have things? No? Well, yeah that's how it is.
My Mom reacts by just crying. Crying, crying praying praying. She has always been the pray-er in the family. She listens when A needs to talk, but A won't talk about a lot of stuff, very private young lady. Mom will deliver the Mama Vi lecture about looking past tomorrow, but it falls on deaf ears.
My sister - she has said it's A's choice, but that she will disown her. Hands down.
The father (for want of a better word) let's the kid move in and freeload, because he's half afraid of him.
Me? Well, from this distance it's tough, but here's my attitude. I don't like him. Nope, not one bit. I met him, took he and A to dinner. Found out about the job thing and asked what kind of job he was going to get. His response - can't find anything he likes to do, so he wasn't really interested in working. Plus A was taking care of the money stuff. Oh No. No Way. I "gently" suggest that he needs to get a job, at his age and in this situation he needs to be carrying his weight. I let him know that in my opinion, a real man steps up to the plate and does what needs to be done to support his "family". (they aren't married yet, but this does not bode well for future plans). Oh and did I mention that he considers schooling and education a waste? Yeah, he feels his dad is a success and he didn't finish school. (OMG!!!)
I told A I didn't like him. No sense lying about it. But I also told her it wasn't up to me. I want her happy, safe and secure. I can see that he makes her happy (?) but I'm not seeing the safe and secure part - I need him to start working on that.
Oh, and if you thought seperation and time might make things better, think again. Before he turned 18 he did 6 months in Juvi. She waited for him. Wouldn't date, wrote daily and worked as many hours as she could so that they could celebrate his release.
You know, when she was first placed in my arms I looked at this beautiful baby and promised to love and cherish her always. I swore to protect her and give her the best life I could. This does not fall within those plans. Not anywhere on the map I had in my mind.
But I'm also not willing to write her off. I love her. Always have and always will. I will not drop out of her life, if they do end up getting married (which it looks like will happen) she will need me even more. But I can place limits on my support.
I don't have to give THEM money. I don't have to set up their house or make it easier for them. I can offer HER a safe place, with no I Told You So's. I can offer advise WHEN ASKED. But I won't be 2 faced and I won't make her choose. Ever.
They are currently living together at her father's house. The plan is to move in with his family next year and then in the summer get their own little apartment. She is currently making $6 an hour at both her jobs, no training or skills to speak of. I can't imagine what kind of home they will be able to afford. I don't have a problem with starting out slow and working your way up. It builds character and helps you to appreciate what you've accomplished. It's just I don't see how they will be able to get out of that situation - especially after the babies start coming, and they both want babies. Lots of babies.
So anyway - what do you think? What are your suggestions on this type of situation? How would you handle it?
BTW - Thanks T1G for the thought provoking question.
Posted by Tammi at August 10, 2004 08:25 AMWow...that is a thought provoking and hard question to answer or even offer an answer for. The only thing you can do is let her know that you are there for her and will have a place for her when or if she ever needs it. Other than that, there is nothing that can be done.
Each of us have a path to walk in this life. Its up to us which "scenic path" we take during our walk. If we stray too far from our path, there are those who help us get back on the right road. But if someone chooses not to take it, that is their will and choice to make.
Free will is not all its cracked up to be. The hardest part is standing at the crossroads, watching someone you love struggle when they don't have to. But if they are unwilling or too proud to accept the assistance, all you can do is wait for them with open arms, loving smiles and quiet reassurance when they do join you again.
It's the hardest part of a path anyone will ever have to walk.
Posted by: Lee Ann at August 10, 2004 09:03 AMWhat Lee Ann said.
Also... stay close. You're a good example of a sensible, forward-thinking woman. She could use that.
Posted by: Harvey at August 10, 2004 09:27 AMMy family has already gone through a similar situation. My brother married a person nobody in the family or his friends liked. Everyone tried to talk him out of it, including the day of the wedding. They married, arguments insued, both sides have not talked to each other in 14 years.
We will never talk to him again. To him we don't exist, and most of my family feels the same.
The man wouldn't even come to his own fathers funeral.
It's not worth arguing over who falls in "love" with who. It may sound mean but people need to make their own mistakes and as long as the person isn't physically being harmed you need to let them live their own lives. Even if that means total failure and regrets later in life for that person. But at least you will be there for them when/if that does happen.
Posted by: Machelle at August 10, 2004 09:29 AMWell this situation sucks. Hmm. My take is that you need to do what you have to do to keep her talking to you. She's going to need someone and if you love her, you have to be willing to keep yout mouth shut and ears open... looking for signs of abuse. If he's a gang banger... scary stuff. His dad into drugs... yeah, I see potential abuse written all over this. If her father was the manipulative SOB you say he is, and I believe it, she has been dealing with emotional abuse all her life. It is what she knows.
She's gonna need someone to always listen and the #1 thing I would talk to her about is birth control. No need to bring a life into that horrible situation. If he's not responsible enough for a job, he sure as hell isn't going to care about bc... that will be HER problem.
Just my opinion. :)
Posted by: Boudicca at August 10, 2004 11:03 AMYou've made it known you don't like the guy... that's about all you can do. You can't badmouth him, or treat her like she's making a huge mistake (even though she is), because all of that can come back as resentment. Especially if/when things go wrong.
Best thing to do is be honest about your feelings about this, and then be there for her. As long as she knows there won't be an "I told you so," to face, seeking comfort or help from family will be much easier.
Posted by: That 1 Guy at August 10, 2004 01:38 PMYou've done the best thing in the world you can do for her - being there when she needs you. We can't live anyone else's life for them - much as we may want to protect them from themselves.
You may want to ask her in all seriousness, not to denigrate, but to try and get a handle on how she feels - what is it about him that she loves so much? See if she can or will explain it to you. It might give you some insight on how to respond when the time comes to help her... and we all know that time will come. Very likely sooner rather than later. (the sooner the better...)
Posted by: Teresa at August 10, 2004 01:56 PMBeing forthright with her was a good thing, even if she may not realize it now. Having said that, trying to talk someone out of getting married truly is an exercise in pissing into the wind. She/they will not listen. No one, in similar circumstances listens.
Be there if and when she needs help down the line.
Posted by: Jim at August 10, 2004 09:15 PM