Tammi's World

Content VS Happy

Do you know the difference?

It's a pretty big one. And I'll give you a bit of advice, if I may. Content is soooo much better than happy.

For years I just kept telling everyone that I wanted balance. I wanted a "normal" life. It was something I'd always wanted, envied in others, but never felt in my own life.

When I was married it was far from balanced. And no one, in any way, could ever say I was content. I was miserable. Plain and simple. Oh - there were flashes of good, moments when I was truly happy. When the oldest granddaughter was born, holding her, looking into that beautiful face - yeah, I was happy. When my middle stepson graduated from high school, happy doesn't even begin to cover it.

But never did it feel "normal". Never.

After the divorce, I moved. A lot. I changed careers, thinking that would help. Oh, the job at Tropicana made me happy. Happy, busy, needed. But again no balance. And it was fleeting. One day I woke up and it was gone. Just a distant memory.

Flash forward to now. I've had several conversations with friends and they pretty much say the same thing. "We just want you to be happy". And, while I appreciate that more than I can say - I don't want to be just happy. I want to be content. Content with who I am and where I am in my life. THAT is more lasting, more satisfying than being happy.

Oh - please don't take this to mean that I'm not, happy that is. But what I am is sooooo much better. I'm content. I'm settled. I've lost that need to keep "rearranging" my life.

Whew, this is harder to put into words than I thought it would be.

Let's see if I can explain. I've always identified myself by my career. Now? Not so much. I'm actually embarrassed to say where I work and what I do. But - I'm working to change that, find something I can enjoy and take pride in. But NOT something that I hide behind. That's the key. It's an addition to my life, not the definition.

I thought I needed bigger, better and newer houses. I kept moving up. My little apartment, my condo, my townhouse, the house in Orlando. But you know what I discovered? Of all the places I've lived, as nice as they were, I'm much more settled here in the Little Blue Cracker House. No, I don't have a dishwasher any more. Yes, the bedroom is smaller than anything I've ever had. Yes, there are issues with the furnace. But I love this little house. Even with it's icky wallpaper, horrid blue carpet - it's HOME. I'm content here. I want to be here. I want to hear laughter and talking and footsteps of my friends and loved ones. It's my favorite place to be.

I don't go out so much anymore. The nights of drinking until I fell asleep are pretty much over. I don't need to. I get home, make dinner, have some conversations and settle into bed. The people in my life are those I CHOOSE to have there.

For years and years I chased HAPPY. And just as soon as I would catch it, poof, it was gone. What I've found is contentment. Solid, lasting contentment - with who I am, where I am, and what I have.

That's a nice place to be.

Posted by Tammi at February 28, 2006 07:15 AM