January 04, 2006

Happy Ions

Wow....this place sure does look different today. Took me nearly fifteen minutes to fight my way through the empties to the blog console. Anyhow, I don't mind. Good taste is apparently on vacation until sometime Saturday, so I guess I'll fit right in. Still..I expect that by Friday Tammi'll have fewer female readers than there are teeth at a NASCAR race. Serves her right for making a bet like that.

As for me, I've got nothing interesting right now...I'm too busy here at my own place. You know those "flexible spending accounts" where you put in pre-tax dollars over the course of the year and then you can spend the money on approved medical supplies1? Well, it turns out my new hearing aids - while expensive - cost quite a bit less than I'd anticipated and so I had over a grand left to spend with three days remaining in the year. "Use it or lose it" is the rule of thumb for these accounts so I had to think fast and find some other "medical necessities" upon which to spend the money. Nothing sprang to mind until a coworker made a great suggestion - an air purifier. After a quick consultation with my insurance carrier's Claims Department, I contacted my doctor who graciously agreed to provide me with a letter indicating that a Sharper Image Ionic Breeze Air Purifier was a medical necessity. Shortly after that, I ordered them. Two of them, to be exact. Let me just say that Sharper Image does a fine job and I got the shipment today. Set 'em up in no time and already they're cleaning the stray mullet hairs from the air around here.

Just one thing is puzzling me - there's a button that, according to the owner's manual - turns on the "Happy Ion" setting. No mention of what that setting means, though. I don't even know what "Happy Ions" are...do you? If so, what's the street value for a bag of "Happy Ions", anyhow? More importantly, do I have to inhale directly from the vent in order to achieve a proper buzz? And most importantly, will they show up in the results of my next "wiz quiz"?

Inquiring minds with post-holiday credit card bills want to know.

Posted by Zonker


1 - Sooper seekrit message to Redneck: I don't care how much you insist that it's a necessity, I'm pretty sure that penis enlargement pumps aren't considered eligible for reimbursement. You'll need to find some other way to spend the money you're saving in 2006.

Posted by Redneck at January 4, 2006 10:09 PM
Comments

Thanks for the heads up Zman... I'd have wasted my money. On the uptake, the patches are covered... I too called your insurance company and they agreed to pay in full for my penis enlargement patches with your jack. Only in America. ;)

Imagine that.

Posted by: RedNeck at January 4, 2006 10:27 PM

*Sometime* Saturday? Oh, first damn thing in the mornin' Saturday is what I'm thinkin'!!! ;-)

Posted by: Tammi at January 5, 2006 06:25 AM

Nobody knows anything about Happy Ions, huh? I seriously want to know. It's kinda buggin' me.

Posted by: zonker at January 5, 2006 07:54 AM

Zonker - If you really want to know about happy ions - I believe "happy ions" are actually the result of producing a negative ionic charge. In old wives tales there is a myth of feeling moody prior to a thunderstorm (when the air is heavy and filled with positive charges), and refreshed post storm - especially following a big lightning display sort of storm. I don't believe hurricanes count in this myth. It may just be joy that you survived the last storm that makes folk happy.

Technology wise - Ionic air purifiers pull crap out of the air by giving it a neutral charge and forcing it to bond on a surface.

Here is some spam from the internet about ionic air purifiers: Negative ions help purify and freshen the air you breathe silently, optimally, and safely.

The same site states "Scientific studies about negative ions have also shown that some people become moody, tired, depressed, or experience difficulty concentrating when negative ion counts are low, or when positive ion counts are high (such as in front of a computer monitor)."

By the way - Consumer Reports got in trouble with Sharper Image for refusing to promote their ionic air purifiers. In side by side studies with other ionic based contenders as well as comparied to HEPA filter technology - the Sharper Image product failed repeatedly to be a best of show contender. I ran my own comparison (2 dogs, 1 cat, an allergies to just about everything walking or growing except some goofy tree that only grows in China) - and I have to agree with Consumer Reports - there are better products out there - but they just aren't as sexy as the Sharper Image product. Never underestimate the power of a good marketing campaign. I mean - you have a mullet for some reason I suppose (in jest - I've been reading - and yes - appreciating - the Zonker site in stealth mode for some time).

Posted by: Mei at January 5, 2006 02:44 PM

Negative ions are happy ions? Wow! All along I've had this mental picture of negative ions all dressed in black, smoking clove cigarettes and listening to Morrissey as they moped around the air purifier and complained that no one really understood them.

;-)

Thanks for the info, Mei!

Posted by: zonker at January 5, 2006 03:04 PM

Hey Mei, you got a cigarette? I left mine in the truck...

If I every buy one of those ionic fart neutralizers, hell, I know who to call right off the bat now doubt... ;) Zonker obviously don't know shit...

Posted by: RedNeck at January 5, 2006 10:57 PM

Zonker - there is no truth in advertising so of course negative ions are happy ions. And in comparision, my mom is never happy unless she is - well complaining about how unhappy she is - so maybe there IS truth in advertising afterall.

Sorry Red,no cigs. You will have to find someone else to continue your expedition into lung cancer - I'm reformed. And in my limited experience - I am pretty sure they don't have anything that eliminates farts. I suggest beeno and don't roll the truck windows up. I hear driving faster also helps. There's probably a marketing opportunity for companion respirators.

Posted by: Mei at January 6, 2006 01:51 PM