There is an ongoing debate in my family. We cousins have it constantly.
You see - we are very different around our family. Well - I'm not so much, but that's simply because I so suck at trying to hide my personality. BUT I do behave differently. Dress differently. Talk differently.
I remember my Mom and my aunt. Smokin' on the way to see my grandparents. And then doing everything they could think of to cover the smell of smoke. These were grown women, folks.
I remember hiding things in the house so that they weren't out and obvious when the family was coming over. Ashtrays, drinking (alcoholic) glasses, stuff like that. I never understood that.
As a teenager I was bound and determined to be "who I am". I got my ass kicked for wearing a sweater for Christmas one time that you could see my bra through. It was disrespectful. I cannot tell you how many times I've been yelled at for my skirts being too short. It was disrespectful.
One of my cousins still has to do that. Oh, she's not a "party animal" like I am, but she doesn't wear the conservative Cape Dress. She wears her hair up, but only wears a covering when she's at church. Her children wear store bought clothes, even - gasp - shorts. But not when my Aunt comes to town. It's considered disrespectful.
I don't know - I think I'm a respectful person. I try to watch my language when I'm around my family - and do pretty well for the most part. I do have certain things I will not wear around them. I don't flaunt the fact that I smoke - but I also don't hide it. I always figured "Love Me - just the way I am". I know that's how I feel about them.
But I'd love your take on this. Do you think we are wacked out? Or is it just the fact that we are sooo stuck in tradition that we're wacked out? LOL Seriously - where do you draw that line between Respect and Lying?
Posted by Tammi at December 9, 2005 07:03 AMWell there is a lot at work in family dynamics. He or she who has the power will be the one to set the rules. Whether the family wants to follow the rules depends on how much they want to please the rule maker and how much effort the rule entails.
If you don't see the person very often, it's sometimes much easier to follow their rules for the short time they are around. (the "don't rock the boat" philosophy) If (as an adult) you find the rules too much to tolerate... then is the time to sit down with the rule maker and have it out.
Respect is a two way street. It's difficult to have respect for someone who has zero respect for you! But - it's generally a titanic effort (read "major fight) to make them understand that while they are free to live the way they want - you don't want to live that way. Especially when it means breaking with long held tradition... no matter how ridiculous the tradition might be.
So, the polite fiction a few times a year during holidays... to keep the peace... generally keeps the family moving along without too much problem. Whereas having to live like that all the time is most certainly the way to end up having a big blowout.
In the end, it depends on how much you want to rock the boat. Since most of these clashes take place during holidays - you either have to decide to have it out during the holiday time and risk ruining everyone's holiday or you have to take extra time during the rest of the year to go see them and settle things... hoping for less of a conflict when you all get together again. Whether or not the latter will work depends on how vindictive the person in control is...
It's all very difficult and not just a matter of lying or not lying. And everyone has to handle it their own way. Rocking the boat may work fine for you, but make your cousins too uncomfortable.... that is their choice too. :-)
Posted by: Teresa at December 9, 2005 07:41 AMMy parents don't know I smoke. But that's mainly because I don't want the lecture that goes with it.
Posted by: Contagion at December 9, 2005 08:06 AMWell, if you think smoking is all about *you*, I've got a blog you need to read....
I am not in a good spot to comment on the other as my mom's rule has always been; "I love each of you no matter who you are or what you do." Such a perspective tends to make one comfortable no matter what. Holidays are pretty easy too.
Posted by: _Jon at December 9, 2005 08:49 AMWell, Tammi, if you'd stop wearing those darn cheese bras ( http://miasmaticreview.mu.nu/archives/119587.php ), I think they'd stop complaining...
;)
Posted by: Ogre at December 9, 2005 09:47 AM