May 24, 2005

Meet the Neighbors


I met my neighbors. I think the best way to set the stage for this little story is to add music. As I don't have my DSL set up yet and I don't have the brain power to know how to link a tune I'm gonna ask you to use your imagination. Close your eyes before you read the next paragraph. Do you hear the banjos? No? Listen closely. They're there. They're dualing. Get the picture?

Ok then.....let's go back to last Wednesday evening. I hear Cody out barking like crazy in the back yard. So, being the responsible owner that I am I went to see what was causing such a rukus.

ME: "WTF are you doing?!?! Damnit - shut up!!"

L (female type neighbor) yelling over fence: Hey! We're sittin' out back havin' a few beers - come join us!

Me: "Ok. Thanks - I'll be right there.

L: Bring Cody - he can play with our dog.

So I put Cody on his leash and start down the street. I was pretty nervous as Cody isn't the best behaved dog at this point and people! No backup! Yikes!!

I met L's better half S and everyone seemed very nice. We posted the dogs off the back of the deck and everyone was sharing stories. I was NOT drinking. New people.....don't know them....yeah - I'll stick to Diet Coke, thank you very much.

However - within an hour and a half L was slurring and having a hard time with that whole walking thing. S was out in the yard. I noticed the dogs chains were tangled so I went out to undo them. S is asking me a question so I look up to answer. There he was - standing with his back to me peeing next to the garage. Yes - I said peeing.

Let's get one thing straight. It is a man (or womans) God Given Right to pee on their garage if they want to. HOWEVER......if you have female company over, that you did not know, you might want to either walk to the other side and do it or maybe even restrain.

Folks - we were sitting on the deck - off the back of the house - the bathroom was closer than where he walked to piss. I'm sorry - call me a snob, but that's just bad form.

So...back to the party. L is planning long shopping trips together, fire pits, football games and holiday meals. No Lie. She was sitting there planning on what I could make for Thanksgiving dinner!! Whoa Nelly.

I stayed for about 2 hours total and then Cody and I came home. Holy Cow!

Fast forward to Friday evening. It had been a long neck was bothering me and I had a migrane. So I heat up my little heating bag, put Cody out and hunker down for a nice quiet evening.

Bang, Bang, Bang.

Someone's at the door.

Oh Shit. It's L. And she is loaded!

L: Hey - come on down! We've got a bunch of people over and we want you to join us. We really like you - please come down.

Me: Tonite is just not good for me. I've got a pretty bad headache and it's just been a long week. Thank you - but I just can't.

L: Well, we really like you. If we're not your kind of people or you think we're not good enough.......

Me (who HATES when people play the guilt card): No. L! Really- I just don't feel well tonite. It's not that at all.

L: OK - We're having a cookout all day tomorrow. Bring a nice salad. Oh - and if your door is open, in this neighborhood it means it's alright to come visit.

Me: *blink blink* OK.


Damn damn damn damn damn.

I didn't go Saturday. I made the salad - it was good. I didn't go.

I now sit in my home with the front door shut. All. The. Time. That kinda bites as it's the one window I can open to get fresh air in.

But I'm hiding. I'm hiding from the neighbors.

Now don't take this wrong. They're nice. I don't hate them. Yet.

But I don't want to be her long lost sister returned from abroad either.

So once I get the swing out in the yard and a nice table and chairs - I'll have them over, put a fire in the pit and be sociable.


Posted by Tammi at May 24, 2005 06:00 AM

Hey, he turned his back, what more do you want from the poor guy? :)

Posted by: Ogre at May 24, 2005 05:24 AM

OMG! You are going to have some serious blogging ammo! They have rednecks up in Chicago? Dang!

So what can you do to scare these guys? Haha, you could always invite Harvey over :-P

Posted by: Sissy at May 24, 2005 05:29 AM

OMG!! *muffling laughter* Shit, you are so doomed to a summer "locked in", a summer of a trogdolyte. If what I have read and heard about you, this could be the death of "life of the party" Tammi. Are you unpacked?

Posted by: ArmyWifeToddlerMom at May 24, 2005 06:07 AM

My wife and I were just trying to make you feel at home! Damn.

Posted by: Contagion at May 24, 2005 06:41 AM

"Let's get one thing straight. It is a man (or womans) God Given Right to pee on their garage if they want to."

It may be their God Given right... but in my book it makes them trailer trash. It just happens they got lucky enough to get out of the trailer park. Sorry I am more than a bit of a snob about that stuff. When there are facilities available - using the side of the house (unless you are under the age of 5) is just disgusting... especially at a "party". Ick!

Posted by: Teresa at May 24, 2005 07:27 AM

Just don't let the crackers smell your fear; they'll be on you like a hungry cat going after Spring's first robin.

You poor thing. [shakes head] You may have to call in reinforcements.


Posted by: pam at May 24, 2005 07:46 AM

"I'll have them over, put a fire in the pit and be sociable."

Why do I keep thinking of the dinner scene at the beginning of "Red Dragon" when I read this? :-)

Posted by: Harvey at May 24, 2005 08:45 AM

Interesting neighbors. Best of luck!

Posted by: vw bug at May 24, 2005 10:47 AM

Holy Shit! You have my old neighbors. I haven't seen The Munchkins for a few weeks... Have they turned up at midnight asking for cigarettes yet?

They even do the peeing stuff!

You poor thing..

Posted by: Sally at May 24, 2005 02:06 PM

Oh you so have the American version of the Munchkins it's not even funny. In a twisted awful way... I cannot wait to hear the stories!!! heh heh heh!

And... peeing on the garage... I agree with Teresa. Trash.

Posted by: Bou at May 24, 2005 08:37 PM

Hmmm... Here in America's Third World County™ any guy who did something like that with a new (female) neighbor over for drinks and some jawing would likely have been looking to be bedding down with the geldings that night, after his Mrs. caught up with him.

Bad form, and all that.

The gal? Sheesh. With a guy like that, she's probably desperate for human interaction and pushing it cos of that desperation. but you can't let pity move you too much. It's as much her fault he's like he is, cos any wife who lets a husband be that way just doesn't the guts to use the rolling pin (or pinking shears).

Posted by: David at May 24, 2005 09:02 PM

Trompe L'Oeil a closed door onto a screen door? Best wishes.

Posted by: cin at May 24, 2005 10:09 PM just getchyou one of them there bug zapper lights and put it up over yonder by the fence between y'all's back yards. Hell...they'll be watching that almost as much as they do NASCAR. You will probably hear hoots, hollers and "Didja see that one? Whooo--ee, he was a biggen!!", but they'll be too busy to bother you much other than that.

Posted by: koolaid at May 26, 2005 12:12 AM

Yeah, what Koolaid said. And throw over a package of pork rinds ever couplea days.

Anytime she comes over, tell her yer fixin'ta go to Ya'll Mart. (On second thought. . .don't. They'll wanta come with ya.)

[serious face]

I lived across the street from her sister. Only she wasn't as nice. She'd get PLOWED on her front porch and sing Lynyrd Skynyrd, pausing only to screech at the kids/hubby inside. Until two a.m. On any day of the week. I feel ya, sister.

(P.S. I love Lynyrd Skynyrd, but there's only SO MANY TIMES I can hear "Sweet Home Alabama" off-key before I lose it. Heh.)

Posted by: Margi at May 26, 2005 12:21 AM

Since I'm from Indiana, I so totally get the peeing in the yard thing.

My sidekick,however, would not approve. She's also from Indiana :)

Posted by: Bryan Strawser at May 27, 2005 01:24 PM